This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-24 07:32:32 (UTC)

He kissed me again

Dear Journal,
Well I went to the movies with Amanda and Josh the other
day, I believe I wrote that in my other journal entry.
Anyway after we droped Amanda off at home we came back to my
house. The lights were still on in the house and I really
didn't feel like being bothered with a million questions
from my family so we sat outside and talked only thing, I
sat in his arms. It was so nice to be back in his arms, all
protected... I loved every minute of it. Then my sister
pulled up and I jumped out of my skin. I didn't want her
asking questions, I mean my family knows about me and Josh
and our history so I didn't want her to think anything, or
rather know anything. We went in the house for a second but
i decided to show him my park. I call it my park because
somtimes really late at night I go out there and just look
out over the city and write in my journal. It's so pretty
and peaceful. I love it out there. It's my place to just go
and be by myself. I took Josh there because I wanted to
share that with him. As soon as we got there he took me into
his arms and we were sort of just looking at each other. As
crazy as this sounds I got butterflies in my stomach like it
was the first time we were out. I thought that was crazy. He
just has a way with me, every time he touches me or looks at
me that certain way my stomach does flip flops. I can't
belive he can still do that to me after all this time.
Anyway I grabed his face with both of my hands and was
nodding his head up and down, side to side just playing
around and then he kissed me. Just like our first time...
soft sweet passionate. Of course the kiss grew more until we
were like.... LoL eating each other's faces off. Gosh there
was so much passion. It was like we were making up for lost
time. I loved every minute of it. I didn't take time to
think about what I was doing that would have totally ruined
the moment, I just lived in the moment and I don't regret it
for a second. Now after he and I were finsihed with our
makeout session and he was gone I got to thinking. What
excatly was I doing? I mean can anything really come from
this relationship? and most importantly am I ready to be in
a relationship again. I know this sounds selfish but I have
to look out for my best intrest here, I couldn't handle
having my heart broken again right now. I'm not strong
enough, not emotionally or mentally. I mean I like him and I
like the way he makes me feel but do I really want to take
the risk in falling in love with him again? And does he even
love me or was I just a quick fix last night? If I was, that
won't bother me, well let me not fool myself it will bother
me a bit, but it will be good to know right away if that's
what it was all about. What am I going to do with myself? Oh
Me and Josh started talking about David and everything and I
started crying and he just held me. I think I wrote that in
my last entry though so I wont't bore you anymore. So the
big question of the night is, what excatly am I doing and
what i'm I expecting to get from kissing Josh? Anything,
nothing everything. I have no clue,