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2002-02-04 00:26:00 (UTC)

Death means wedding?

I just read Misty's response she left me in my diary about
talking to her late father and attending my funeral - my
friend Amanda thinks we are destined to marry now because
death means a wedding according to her dream dictionary.
That is a little relieving. I have to wonder why everyone
is so worried lately. I mean really. I'm scared, Misty is
scared, lots of people are worried about her - but what is
so bad? There is a privation of the luxury of having her
right here with me or me being able to be right there with
her right now - but is that enough for the alarm that seems
to be so widespread? I can deal with the aspects that are
not available yet - this distance between ST FX and
Middleton for now, I really can, if I take it one day at a
time and think about the light at the end of the tunnel in
April when I can see her more often or constantly or
whatever we want to do I guess. Is there more going on that
I do not know about to make up for the rest of the fear? I
want to get used to "us" and learn to trust again, gedt
enthralled and overwhelmed and learn to lose control
passionately and enjoy life with her and chill and relax and
party and dance and sing and write and publish and work
towards goals career-wise and raise 5 kids and have some
time to spend with our friends - and I do not want to ever
worry about my girlfriend sleeping with someone else or
wanting to, or letting herself stay in situations where
people are constantly trying to pick her up... I just want
to be. Happy, healthy, strong, fun, inspiring, no pressure,
relaxed accepted, head over heels in love. I am mostly
there now. I don't want to lose it. I don't want to worry
about it. I just want to know it will always be there and
go with it as it develops and grows. Enjoy it when its
good. Work on it when it isn't. But always be in love and
trust that. Life is dynamic, getting better, getting worse,
getting boring, or too hectic - but always changing. Love
is sharing it with someone and letting them be the main
character in the story of your life - going with them thru
it all - its the strength to do so. I really do want Misty
to be my star. I want to be hers. Not for now or until
some bump comes up - but always. I'm ready for so much of
this that I do not want my paranoia or my fears to get in
our way so early in this. Vice-versa I guess also. So
Misty, if you are reading this - take a deep breath, take a
few - close your eyes and say "Brian loves me". Know that
I'm not going to abandon you or cheat on you or ignore you.
I care about you too much.

I am rambling too much maybe...

All I really needed to say was:

I miss you
I love you
relax - it WILL work out
I'll see you soon,


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