humming bird

my F***ed up head
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2002-02-03 15:30:15 (UTC)

this blows

yeah ok so theres rock bottom, 50 feet of crap and then
me.... what the hell i had everything going so good for a
while so how the hell did it all crumble in like a day? it
doesnt make any sense to me... i had sex with jason... he
was my first and a week and two days after the first time
we did it i get into his car friday morning and we had
kinda been in a lil fight on thursday night but so anyways
i get into his car and he goes can we talk about something
and i kept thinking he is gonna dump me and he starts goin
on about his shoulder and his dad and the first thing i
thought was he is gonna say that he has to much goin on in
his life right now to have a girlfried and that is what he
said he goes so what would u think about taking a break and
i thought well that idea sux i mean i didnt say that but
that is what i was thinking and i mean i started to cry and
i went to get out of the car to go to nikkis but he was
like no i want to talk about it ...talk about what u just
broke my heart thats it thats the end of the story there is
nothing else to talk about and he goes i still feel the
same about u i just got alot going on i dont give a shit
if he feels the same about me or not that doesnt help it
doesnt matter how he feels if he doesnt want to be with me
u know and wouldnt u think that he would want someone to
be there for him while he has so much going on too? i mean
apparently not and u know valentines day is coming up an di
was looking forward to having him there becuz its been
almost a year since my gramps died and that is really hard
on me and hank is really sick and sarah has ovarian cancer
and my dad is pissing me off more and more everyday i just
want to leave but he wants out... and he goes well if u
can deal with only seeing me like once or twice a week u
know then we can try to work this out... it is two weeks
till his surgery and he doesnt even try to see me now.. i
mean we r still going out but i think that he is just going
out with me out of pity and i want to ask him but i am
scared of the answer... i look like a fool then u know...
it sux... my dad just grounded me too and i mean i cant
stand him i literally wish that he would die becuz i cant
stand him i hate him so much ... i mean jason is where i
would go if anything was ever bothering me or if i needed
to cry... but where do i go now that he is the thing that
is making me cry... i have no where to go ... i mean my
friends all have problems of their own... i just dont
understnad why he wold want to break up... just like outta
no where cuz wednesady we were better then fine and
thursday i didnt see him and friday he wants out... we had
sex on wednesday too and i just realized that that was the
first time he didnt tell me he loved me after wards..
whatever ... u have no idea how many times i thought about
grabbing like a thousand bottles of pills and popping them
all .. but i cant do that... i wouldnt be with my gramps
then so i cant do it... but i gotta go i just needed to
vent... julz


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