lilith.

dedoubledidentifiedschizophrenia~
2002-02-03 15:28:50 (UTC)

mother and father

my grandfather had difficulty breathing a few nites ago. ii
had a sense of deja vu comin over me. the same feeling i
had the last night my grandmother was alive. i still
remember that nite. everyone was asleep. only me and
younger coz, daus, that time aged 5, were awake. it was
strange tt daus slept late tt nite. arnd past midnite,
nenek called me to her bed and asked me to massage her
back. daus followed me and in the room he aaid dis to my
grandmum, 'nek mari kita tengok cartoon'. strange coz it
was way past midnite and firdaus rarely do that. the telly
was on.. reruns of some comedy.. daus was on the floor me
on the bed.. i saw nenek lookin at daus... and my gpa woke
up from his bed.. soon, all four of us were awake.. there
we were.. the two oldest and two youngest members of the
family.. it all seemed so strange. i could never cry in
front of my nenek. becoz when she saw me cry, it made her
feel bad. it made her feel v bad. and i didnt want to make
her weak. i had to put that front tt i was alright with the
situation. my charade went on for the 2 years she was ill..
and pieces of it still remains till today.

nenek passed away on the 29/03. i cried. i cried like shit.
in the room with my guy cousins who all seemed so strong
and tough, weakened by the loss of someone who took care of
all of us. it was harder for me. nenek used to say i was
her child. her precious child. i got special treatment. a
mother i never had. she was all that. tehn she left. she
prepared me for her departure by acting cold towards me.
skint on her affection and warmth. it was then i developed
the longing of love. my sole provider took all that away
from me.

she left me like that. and i was never the same. i will
always have things in me that i cannot show. i just dont
noe how. this extroverted me that u see is a continued
charade that began in the 97's. how long has it been? 4
years?

now im praying with all the sincerety that life will not
take its toil on datuk. give me a chance t o repay him for
all that he has provided me. for growing with me and
suddenly being the father of me when 'mother' died.

good health for him. best of health.

patience and strong will for me.

and peace and serenity for nenek.

that is all Allah, kabulkan permintaan hambamu ini.

-lith


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