I dont even believe in love.
Ad 0:
2001-04-23 20:53:14 (UTC)

i dont know what im doing here

Here goes nothing. They say that only good girls keep
diaries because bad girls dont have time... so maybe this
is a sign of things to come. Really, i just have alot on my
mind and no one that i can talk to. Wow. I am actually
creating an online thrapy session. How embarrassing.
Well anyhow, I am sitting at work right now. I figure, as
long as they hear me keep typing, they wont bother me (at
least thats the goal.) I figured who better to discuss all
my confusion with than a bunch of strangers (thats you).
Feel free to leave me messages or comments. Ill take all the advice i
can get. Well anyway, heres how the story begins:

Today is a wierd day. I came home from Conn. yesterday
after a fun filled weekend with Ryan. Man, it is so wierd
to talk about this - but i need to get it out. All day i been sitting
here thinking about what is really going on here. I know i read too
deep into things, but I am so scared of getting hurt. I know i
deserve to get hurt, I have broken a few hearts in my day. But its
just i have so much going on in my life now, my job is getting really
hard, my father is dying, my mom is crazy, and my sister moved
hundreds of miles away... Really, I was just fine with being alone, I
was dealing OK with everything, and then all of a sudden we meet and
i feel like a hundred pound weight is lifted off me.
This guy isnt only attractive and fun to be around, but he makes me
feel comfortable, like i have known him forever. Im not even sure
that this is a good thing, and i dont know how to deal.

I cant tell anyone really about him for two reasons, the first being
that i have an AO-Drama Fan Club - and second - because
their isnt much to say other than that i am really starting
to like him, in a more then friends with benefits way, and
sometimes i think maybe he likes me like that too (not to mention i
dont have many people that woudl even care to listen). The
thing is, even though i say silly things, and i tell him i
miss him and stuff, i just get so afraid that if he knows
whats going on inside my head, ill loose him.

You see, i have never really been good at the relationship
thing at all, and i dont know how to act. I find myself
saying things like *i dont like you anymore* when what i
really wanna say is * if you arent serious tell me becasue
im falling for you! * I dont know. i think maybe it would
be alot less painful if i could just ignore my feelings and
not take this seriosuly, but i never met anyone that i
wanted to be around this much before. and i dont mean
hooking up - i mean like when i am home reading, or just
watchin TV, or taking a nap... im thinkin about how much
better it would be if he was sitting next to me.
Now i know this all sounds super gay - for a girl who is
nearly 22 - and believe me - it feels stupid - but the
thing is i never been like this before. Usually, even when
i catch feelings for a guy, i dont want anything from him,
i dont have any expectations, and i get bored really
quickly. But with Ryan, i get more interested every time i
see him. It basically started as a joke. for real, i never
had any intentions of liking anyone, i dont even really
want a "boyfriend" all i really want is to know that im not
about to break my own heart by falling for this guy.