theheartbreakofamother

so.. i went out drinking ....

so.. i went out drinking .. etc.. until one night i ran
into a friend of my brothers whom i've known since 1st
grade.. a married man.. we met up in a bar.. and shot a few
games of pool.. and one thing lead to another til i had
slept with him.. a night that would last the rest of my
life.. he was a very good friend of our families and we
knew so many many of the same people.. well our night ended
and that was that.. i didn't love him. fact he was the last
person i'd want for a boyfriend just cuz.. he's not
terrible or ugly etc.. not a bad guy .. but there was
something that felt very wrong.. maybe it was the fact we
knew eachother for so long.. and it wasn't that kind of
attraction.. it was just a night with two people looking
for something.. to take them away.. well the time went
by .. and next thing you know i was taking a home pregnancy
test.. i thought it was negative and boy was i relieved
until my period never did come.. after that i had gone to
the doctor and had it confirmed.. i was pregnant.. i will
never forget that day.. i was devastated and of course i
went straight to my best friends house crying.. the ironic
thing is i had just told her mother how bad i wanted a baby
someday.. my best friend and her mother had just gone
through this.. she too was a single parent but has finally
met a man she married.. well being that her mother and i
were close .. i told her .. and her words were .. what am i
going to do with you too .. she playfully said well you
went out and got your baby.. but she immediately followed
with .. it will work out..

well i was so scared .. of what my family would say being
the catholics they were .. very strict.. my dad was going
to be so incredibly hurt disappointed .. mad.. etc.. i said
nothing .. for 4 months.. until one day .. my mother and i
had an argument and i told her i was moving out.. and by
the way .. i'm pregnant.. ouch .. i hadn't lived with them
forever.. just moved home the year before to save money..
my sister who was a nurse at the time.. had been involved
with many deliveries and mom's.. she approached me before
this day.. to ask me if i were pregant.. of course she knew
but i hid it well .. i wanted to go waterskiing forever..
and she called to tell me they were firing up the boat.. i
passed but went for coffee.. and company.. when she asked
me if i were pregnant i wanted to cry... but i just said..
i can't talk about it right now and please say nothing.. of
all the time i spent with my family .. my dad didn't talk
to me until almost my delivery date.. he was very hurt.. he
didn't yell just didn't say a word period.. but.. he
also .. along with my mother Never asked me who the father
was.. they said if i wanted to talk i would.. this
surprised me.. though i never did.

if there was even a hint though i just said.. don't go
thre.. see for years.. i couldn't even acknowledge what i
had done.. i felt so incredibly GUILTY.. then one day.. i
walked back into Church which happened to be the Only place
i could go and the only one i could talk to was the pastor
there.. a good man .. he was supportive .. said he would
help however he could and agreed it was like opening a can
of worms to go and tell .. so i stayed silent.. because in
my heart i felt i couldn't break up this man's marriage..
even though ! he was involved. i know many would of chased
after him but .. i did nothing.. i almost left the church
at that time and walked in with the attitude and direct
phrase to God.. after debating God forbid.. a much wanted
abortion... that .. i am going to leave church unless you
can say one thing to persuade me to stay .. well.. i opened
my bible .. or prayer book and the first sentence i had
read said.. My plans for you are Peace.. Not Destruction..
so with that .. i continued to go to church and nearly
everyday for literally years..