poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-02-02 10:56:15 (UTC)

Can't sleep

It's nearly 4:00 in the morning ... I came out here at
12:00 to write, but got caught up in doing some Valentine's
day shopping. I can't sleep, I'm tired and freezing!
(thanx to no heat still in this damn living room of mine!)
But knowing where my daughter is tonight gives me NO PEACE
OF MIND!

After her nagging on me for over an hour while we were at
the bank and all the way home and after we got home about
going to Vincenzo's tonight, I gave in ... but only on the
premise that this was going to be her last night for a
while because of her report card grades! She got an F in
PE and a D C UU in her least favorite class, but it's only
her least favorite because she doesn't like the teacher -
thus the main reason for the poor grade!

I let her go but couldn't take her because something is now
horribly wrong with the car, so her friend Madison's mother
came by to pick her up. She was supposed to bring her back
home by 11:00 but I fell asleep on the couch and didn't
hear the phone ring because the hall door was closed. So,
long story short, she is now sleeping OVER THERE!
Something she has been begging for me to allow her to do
for sometime and now she finally got her way!

Now, how can I sleep knowing she's somewhere I don't want
her to be, somewhere I don't trust ... somewhere I'm
definitely NOT COMFORTABLE with and not approving of!

I've mentioned before how not only has Chantelle's demeanor
and attitude changed more and more (for the worse!) since
she started Middle School, but also since she's been
buddying up with this girl! It doesn't make me feel good
at all! And even tonight, when I went to check the
answering machine to see if I had missed her call and
Chantelle had left 2 messages on the machine from when she
was downstairs trying to get me to let her in, she didn't
bother to say where she was going! Thankfully I have
caller ID and Madison calls here enough so that I could get
their number from that. I call there and Andrea (Madison's
mom) tells me that she just couldn't wait any longer so she
brought Chantelle back with her - understandable - but
Chantelle didn't even bother to call me once she got there
to let me know where she was and/or even say goodnight and
when I got her on the phone, I was obviously upset and
ended up speaking to her in a rather sarcastic tone which
she caught on to immediately, but even if I hadn't of been
sarcastic, she still would have had that attitude that
becomes increasingly worse when she's been hanging around
Madison! That belligerent, stand-offish attitude ... that
I don't need you, don't want you, could care less about you
attitude.

I told her that I was certain that she must be happy for
finally getting her way - her chance to sleep over there -
and that she just enjoy her night. Then I said that I
loved her and goodnight and she didn't even respond! Just
hung up the phone! Boy did that hurt! And I know she her
behaviour was just egged on by the fact of where she was
and who she was with ...

I really don't know what I'm going to do about this
situation, but it's something I know I cannot allow ...
this relationship coupled with the Middle School
environment is having nothing but negative effects on her
entire demeanor; personality, behaviour, everything!

If I don't do something now, I'm certain I will lose my
Chantelle forever! I already see her slipping away at a
pace way too fast ... the changes in her make me sad and
make me yearn for the baby she once was ... or even the
little girl, but I know this is childish thinking and I
know that Chantelle has to do her growing up.
Nevertheless, I don't want her going down the wrong path
and that can happen by hanging out with the wrong people!

Well, I'm going to go and try and get some sleep.
Madison's mother is supposed to bring her back no later
than 10:00 tomorrow morning ... I certainly hope this will
be the case as Chantelle is not feeling well and I may have
to take her to the doctor's tomorrow and I don't think
being out tonight has helped at all with the sore throat
she's been having for the past few days.

I just hope nothing serious is wrong with my car! This
really would be the straw that breaks the camels back!

ciao for now!




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