The Xdruggie Files
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2002-02-02 06:29:38 (UTC)

Sometimes i feel this blessing is just a curse...

I keep putting off my fourth step. This is not a good sign.
I want things to be easier, but then don't we all? I feel
very disconnected. I need someone to tell me that i will be
alright 'cause i don't feel alright. Actually, I feel
alright as I type this. Thoughts of getting wired are more
frequent. Larry says that wanting to use is a sign of not
being spiritual. i guess i can agree now. It helps to pray,
but i am sooo used to instant gratification. I am feeling
lonely. I want to have sex. I have (i think) been
propositioned. I am very confused. Sex makes me want to
use, but i want to have sex. I am preoccupied and being
selfish. But like i stated before i am not staying clean
for me. I od'ed and was almost raped by two like 50 year
old troll men and rushed to the hosp to go crazy in the ER
and try to pull out a cathador (ms) and eventually get
strapped down hallucinating the entire time....what else
did i need to show me i was out of control? This addiction
thing is sneaky. and this plies with the whole insanity
thing. I had my near death experience, yet i still have
thoughts of using?!?!??! If i go back, what would it take
to bring me back...or would i even survive? do i want to
survive? I am not a suicidal person. why this insistance on
insanity? I teased Bubba about his relapse. This is karma biting me
in the ass.