poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-02-02 05:29:56 (UTC)

No matter where I go - THERE I AM!

I wonder so many things ... I wonder as I'm driving along
the winding street called Sunset Blvd. after work on
Mondays and Wednesdays to go and pick up Chantelle in
Glendale from Harry's ... I wonder as I'm driving past all
these huge million and multi million dollar homes what
separates ME from THEM! I wonder what is the difference
between the people living in those grand homes, driving
those fancy cars, living those snazzy lives, spending money
from seemingly bottomless pocketbooks, going on luxurious
vacations whenever they feel like it, traveling the world
and enjoying life, what is the difference between ME and
THEM? I mean, why do they live the lives they live and why
do I live the life I live?

And then my mind wanders to the other extreme ... to the
homeless people and the people driving cars older than
mine, living in areas worse then mine and apartments that
are practically condemned ... people who probably look upon
people like me and wonder what separates THEM from ME ...

I think the bottom line for me is that I just want to
experience the joy of LIVING life ... I want Chantelle to
experience the joy of LIVING life! I'm tired of just
SURVIVING life ... tired of living from just one moment to
the next and being so damn grateful for just being able to
do this! It's not that I'm not thankful for all that I
have, but rather that I feel as if I'm SETTLING, but I
don't know how to make things better! I don't know how to
get point A to point B ...

I know there's more to life ... Chantelle and I both
deserve more than what we've got ... but don't the homeless
people deserve more then what they've got? Oh, I don't
know this all gets so mind boggling when I think about it.

I have my dreams, my hopes ... my aspirations ... and I
have my fears! The greatest of which is growing old! I
don't fear death, not at all, at least as long it's not
painful! But growing old ... and especially growing old
ALONE! I fear the aging process and all that it brings! I
look at elderly people on the street and I think to
myself, "They were once young ... they once had dreams and
aspirations ... they once danced and loved and did all the
things that young people do ... and now look, they can
hardly walk or stand up straight." I wonder if an old
woman looks in the mirror and feels a loss for the youth
she lost; if she sheds a tear for the loss of her smooth,
supple skin and beautiful shiny hair.

I don't know, it just seems so very sad to me. Lately, I
look at myself in the mirror each morning as I put on my
makeup and it seems there are new lines every time I turn
around. Those lines are going to become wrinkles and that
scares me! I never worried about these things before! I
mean, since Chantelle was born, I've experienced and
learned to more or less accept the changes in my physical
body ... such as the loss of firmness in my stomach and
thighs, oh and of course, my poor boobs will never ever be
the perky things were before the days of breastfeeding!
But, now, in addition to my body's imperfections, I'm
starting to feel the inadequacies of the changes in my
facial appearance and it's not something I like, not one
little bit!

I mean I will be 35 this year! 35 years old! Where'd the
time go? Where'd all the years go? And where am I
headed? I mean, when I turn 40, Chantelle will be 16!
What does the future hold for us?

All I can say, all I want to say is that I hope the future
holds in store HAPPINESS and lots of LOVE ... I'm lucky
right now that love is a part of my life and Chantelle's.
This is one thing that money simply cannot buy and if love
were money we'd be pretty rich! Nevertheless and sad but
true, love doesn't pay the rent or the bills and doesn't
hold off the creditors ... it doesn't fix cars that need
repairing or put food on the table ... it may contribute to
these things being taken care, but alone ... well ... alone
love is simply love ... and that's why a lot of
relationships don't work ... because sometimes, love just
isn't enough!

Ok ... I'm just going off on a tangent and starting not to
really make any sense at all, so I will just stop while I'm
ahead.

Ciao for now ...




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