Dick Doomsday

Pathetic Punk
2002-02-02 04:37:40 (UTC)

BUSY BUSY BUMBLE BEE

Whoa. Well....its friday. I was going to go to the punk
show tonight but I had a change of mind. I don't feel up to
it. Even though i feel like a loser sitting at home. Oh
well. Actually the reason i'm not gpoing is cuz i don't
really wanna see Joe. I saw him last week and it was
akward. And he was only there for like 30 mins. Anyways,
enough about Joe....Well today was an absolutly boring day.
I spent the majority of today on the comp. What a loser,
huh? I did do some homework and download some music. I even
cleaned the house. Thats how bored i was.

I met this one dude on through BME. He's really cool. You
know..just to talk to. We have experienced similiar
situations and it was nice to be able to talk with someone
who knew exactly what i was feeling. I wanted to tell him
to "get out of my brain." That reminds me of Ashley. She
won't be able to go to Deanna's party. That makes me sad.
And it makes Dee sad too. Oh well. I'll make Dee's party
the shiz-nitz. Hahaha. Mark IS going to Dee's party. That
makes me happy. I'll actually get to spend SOME time with
him. I'm looking forward to it.

Anyways, of course Dee's party is going to have alcohol.
But since i'm driving i'm not drinking. Well at least thats
what my excuse will be. I don't like to drink. Er, rather,
i don't like the person i become when i drink. So i won't
be drinking. OR SMOKING. "No bud for me please." "Pass the
dutchie on the RIGHT hand side." HAHAHA. Gosh i'm so funny.
NOT. I still have to make an "appearance" at Amy's party.

Anyways, today i feel totally useless. I mean i feel like
that everyday but today i feel it EVEN MORE. I dunno why.
Maybe its cuz I AM USELESS. Oh well. I guess i'll just be
one of those people who grow up working at a dead-end job
and who never accomplish anything. I guess i always knew
that. Its just now that i have to admit it. AHHHHH!

Sometimes i get so utterly depressed. Like now. Now would
be a keen example of my depression. Did you know that today
i was considering suicide. You all may laugh and say "oh
yeah, like yesterday and the day before and the day before
that?" Well, i know i've thought about it SOOOOO many times
before and never really suceeded but today was different.
Someone told me that I need to find God. I laughed and told
them God disowned me. They laughed and said "I see why."
This bothered me. Usually it wouldn't have bothered me but
this time it did. I feel like everyone is dis-owning me. I
feel like a nobody. Would anyone really care if i just
*poof* dissapeared? I don't think so. I just make other's
miserable as well as myself. Just shoot me and put me out
of my misery already. I wish i was a horse. I would
purposly break my leg. Hehehe. It's nice that i can see the
humor in death. I feel dead already. "Living Dead Girl"
(yes i listen to rob zombie) So shoot me. Hehehe...shoot
me...

Anyways, right now i'm listening to Dashboard Confessional
which doesn't help the situation much. Man, you know what's
wrong. Everything somehow leads back to Mark. I know he has
his "new life" and that he's like super busy nowadays but
does he have any idea how it affects me. He is basically my
only friend. Sure i have friends but not like him. I have
become too dependent on him. And it's hard to not have him
when i need him. I used to have him when i wanted him AND
when i needed him. But now i have him when he has the time.
Which is basically never. But it's ok. It's not his fault.
It's my fault foe becomming so damn attached to him. He's
the only person i have let myself open up to entirely. He
holds my life in his hands and he doesn't know it. I just
wish i could get it back from him. But that my friend would
cost a pretty penny. And all my pennies are ugly. So i'm
shit out of luck. I'm losing my mind...again. Someone
please slap the shit out of me.




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