Little Bird

Private Babbling
2001-04-23 14:13:31 (UTC)

Weekend Wanderings.....

4/21/01
so this is what i do, i type. i don't really know why. i
guess it's a stress reliever and today i have alot of
stress.
not only did she drop the bomb yesterday, friday, she had
the nerve to call me this morning and say she'd be here
sometime in the late morning. well, came to be 1PM and i
hadn't heard from her. the baby is fussy, my hand is in a
cast, its kinda windy and i dunno what to do w/him anymore.
i know his daily routine pretty good but when she says shes
gonna be here and leaves me hanging like that it sucks. i
even left a msg on her cell..got no call back but when i
called again 1/2 hr later she picked up and said she was on
her way. it was pointless for her to rush because the baby
had just gone to sleep. she insisted on coming anyway.
she swore that this girl wasn't going to come between us
like O did, well no shit...i slept with him, i'm not
planning to sleep w/her new g/f. the thing that'll tear us
apart is the fact that she is hidding things from me and
i'm bbysiting for her 12 hrs at a time while she does X or
get drunk, whatever.
i was SO pissed when she got here. i was shaking and tears
streamed down me hot face. then i just felt absolutly
nothing. i felt numb. when she finally showed up i was
going to just ignore her until she packed up and left but
it took her a long time to get from the kitchen to the
living room, where i was planted. i knew she was a
little 'scared' to come in but i was worried that i would
tell her to get the fuck out but turns out i could hardly
look at her. she asked me 2 questions, got 2 one word
answers and then went to my bedroom to lay down.
now they are both awake and i dunno what to do. in the time
that they slept i slept for about 15 mins. it made me wake
up feeling slightly better but now i'm pissed again. i want
to be alone. i want her to know i'm pissed, not act like
everything is/will be okay. i don't know if it will and i
don't know if i want it to.
i can't stand being taken advantage of. i can't stand
feeling like there is no one i can really count on. i guess
i'm feeling sorry for myself and things might be better if
i had more than 6 hrs sleep in the past 2 days.

we've strated moving about the cabin. it reminds me of the
day she found out i was sleeping w/O (i had gotten it out
of my system the day she...) she walked into my house, i
asked if she wanted to go the movies and she handed me a
note saying that i am the biggest slut in the wold. that
had promted a 2 year freeze on our relationship. i am ready
to tell her to go to hell and she's walking around like
everything is fine, as expected. i can tell she has alot on
her mind so i'm not pushing any issues right now.

we went to dinner ans she told me all about her night. it
sounded like hell. this girl she is in lust w/is not worthy
of her affection. it sounds like she is hanging around a
bunch of wakos and this girl is the only one that doesn't
double talk...she really cares about Her feelings. i'm
still worried that something might evolve especially if she
keeps hanging around them. it took me about 6 months to
decide that even though i love(d) my on-line interest i
couldn't be IN love w/her...for many different reasons. one
of those reasons was Her. i thought if i could ever love a
woman, it'd be Her...and now look what has happened.
she called after she left tonite and apoligized for leaving
the boy here and not calling, etc. i was almost in tears as
she made her promisses again.

i am having a guest over in a little while. nothing major,
just someone that 'knows' me. i am feeling REALLY depressed
and i need a fix.

i might try to focus some positive energy towards St. he
isn't handsome but he might make a nice diversion this
summer. i just fear putting effort into someone that i'll
have to see on a regular basis if i decide i really don't
like them.
i truly believe that i'm at a crossroads.


How?

How can I say good-bye and simply walk away
leave my heart and soul behind me
and not live another day?
Not knowing where I am going
Not caring who sees these tears
Never realizing if you would have loved me
for all the oncoming years.
Or, could I simply stay and swallow my pride again
and make believe you love me
right up to my very end.
Keep picking up the crumbs you throw to me
hoping for the best
waiting for the day
you finally throw me the rest.

Time to make some cookies!
(food equals love, right?)

Chocolate Chip Pudding Cookies

Ingredients:
3 1/2 C. Flour
1 1/2 tsp. Baking Soda
1 C. butter, softened
1 C. Brown Sugar
2 C. Chocolate Chips
1 1/2 tsp. Vanilla
3 Eggs
1 (6 oz. pkg.) Instant Vanilla Pudding

Preparation Instructions:
Combine butter, sugar, and pudding mix. Beat eggs until
creamy. Gradually
stir in mixture, then stir in flour and baking soda. Add
chips last. Bake
at 350 degrees until light and brown (about 10 minutes).

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
4/01

while i'm at it...
a few months ago i placed upon my neck, the yellow & blk
cross that i bought in mexico. it hung right in the middle,
straight, protective, all knowing, even after i slept with
a married man. it never failed me. i could always reach up
and caress it finding comfort in its woven structure. that
is until one day i decided to terminate a pregnancy.

i hadn't been feeling well so i went to the dr and was
refered to a 'specialist' after a few tests and half a
million questions. the drs decided that either A) i was
preg or B) my body had 'a mass' that wasnt absorbed or
naturally 'passed'. i went with the later because at this
stage of the game i can't afford another child emotionaly
or financialy. the procedure was the same for either
situation. it was basicaly described as an abortion.
the day i decided to go thru with it my cross was turned
around completely. it hung at the back of my neck in my
hair. i never turned it around or took it off. the day that
i was to go in for the procedure it fell off itself. i had
tried to take it off before but it was tied too tight.
i don't know what, if anything, all this means but i am not
the type to get myself into those situations in the first
place. i took the pill regularly for 2 years and i wasn't
even having sex. the night i got preg was a fluke and it's
strange but i always knew i'd go thru something like that.

i still have the cross and i might put it on again when i
get the cast off. i believe god has a plan for all of
us...even when we go thru things like that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Today: (i'll keep you posted)

This is the letter i'm sending her today...

these may seem like random/rambling thoughts but they've
been keeping me up at night so i gotta put them down before
they kill me. i used to write for Ar on the condition that
he didn't speak to me directly about things. i prefer to
write. (he chose silence) it might be dif w/us because we
talk about alot of things but there are some delicate
issues here...might be easier to just write. lol


forgive typos, hard to type with one hand.

it took me about 6 months to decide that even though i love
(d) my on-line interest i couldn't be IN love w/her...for
many different reasons. one of those reasons was you. i
felt uncomfortable talking about her around you. you and i
have such a deep seated affection/connection that i almost
felt like i was talking about my exploits w/'another woman'
when i'd bring her up. (that is what made my marriage go to
hell, my husband was asking me to explain my adcentures
w/other men in detail. i was giving me a bad case of guilt
(because i still love(d) J after all that time) and i
wondered why he wanted to hurt himself like that because
obviously when he told me that he had kissed a f, i lost
it. it hurt very bad.) i didn't want any crazy feelings
coming between us after all that time of not having you
around. the only reason i can talk about men w/you is
because we both aknowledge that they are stupid BUT fun to
play with. i thought if i could ever love a woman it'd be
you. of course there are reasons i can't be in a
relationship, seriously w/ a woman. i truly think sex ruins
friendships. (sidebar: i was seeing a shrink for a while
and she told me that part of the reason (in her eyes of
course) i spent time w/O is because i wanted to feel closer
to you. that blew me away.) i couldn't imagine living life
w/o you...to break our bond over a lovers spat would be
suicide. the other reasons vary. the main reason i
discontinued my 'thing' w/A (om line) is because C&A would
not understand why she and i were together had we met and
lived together. it's hard enough going thru what we are
now, i can't imagine explaining 2 moms. on the other hand,
they are used to seeing you and i together all the time.
3rd selfish reason i can't be with a woman is (they are
mental cases? No...) i need the hand of a man to come home
to. i need the feeling, the scent of a man. if i had
contact with a woman it would makr me feel like i am
looking for nurture, a mother or a sense of being
mothered. we know, or pretty much know what is going on in
each others lives and i would hate to complicate your
situation even more by saying...how i really feel? hell,
how long have we known each other and i'm still trying to
figure that out...and here you are trying to resolve all
this new BS in less than 'months'. good luck
despite all that i've just written, i want to have 'the'
experience...w/o being judged, w/o expectations and w/o
feeling like it's just a phase or something. it would be
scarey to have that contact and i truly belive it'd be
easier to do with a non-threatening male around but it is
always in the back of my mind.

(something that jumped into my mind is what is gonna happen
w/maggie. i mean, how are you going to have a realationship
w/someone but not be able to bring her home...etc. or does
maggie know you are 'exploring'/caring for this woman?
these are all questions i've had to ask myself when i was
making my decision about A. i feel like i'm reliving the
whole mess.
while i'm on the room mate issue... i never said i wouldn't
paint your living room! i may not be able to pay alot of
rent but i could at least by food, help w/bills and
babysit. now that you've invited M to stay i feel left out.
i don't want to add to household stress and i don't know
how we'd all get along. i didn't feel invited anymore.
that's why i've dropped that subject.)

increasingly i find myself jealous and let down that you'd
be w/anyone else like that. you always had a big heart and
when you make friends, true friends, you try to accomadate
thier needs. neither of us make friends easily and when we
come across the 'real' ones the feelings are strong. since
that doesn't truly happen often it's hard to remember what
it feels like. sometimes it may even be confusing. you were
saying that you found it odd. even a little desprate, for
people to be 'in love' w/you after 2 weeks of knowing you
and look what you said to me friday...'i'm falling for
someone'. people suck, they really do. i say i'm attracted
to alot of people but i would never act on 1/2 of them.
what happenend to standards? and you think it's so great
that you've talked to her on the phone every night, or had
her over, for a week? how do you think i felt hearing thay?
you didnt bother to call and your e-mails were vague, at
best. don't you find it a little odd that your hidding from
me? you swore that this girl wasn't going to come between
us like O did, well no shit...i slept with him, i'm not
planning to sleep w/your g/f. the thing that'll tear us
apart is the fact that your hidding things from me or your
letting yourself get caught up in these people. i won't be
put aside for another fucked up thing like i'm going thru
w/cowboy. i refuse. i also don't want to feel like your
talking to me because i take care of leo. i'm greatful for
all that you've done in the past month and i don't mind
helping out, even last minute but i will not be taken
advantage of.

part of the reason i was so bitchy to you 2 weeks ago
w/christine is because you didn't bother to outline 'the
plan'. again, this friday you were like 'here's the kid. i
can't chat right now. gotta go. bye' i admit, i was again
being bitchy but you'd just dropped this bomb on me and you
had been hiding from me all week. i felt like 'the good
wife'...'see ya in the morning baby, gotta go out w/my
buds.'

i had a dream last night that you and i were both involved
w/the peeps causing you so much grief. the essence of the
dream was that i delt w/C&J so you could be w/L. it felt so
real and when i woke up (after going to bed at 2) i felt
like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. i don't know why
i dreamed that but it's proly because i have a nagging need
to be w/a handler and the way you describe 'them' makes me
feel closer to that life again. because you are ever so
protective i know you'd stear me the opposite way. (they
sound kinda creepy) i just wanted to say tho, because i
have a backgroud, a real one, as a pony, i would help you
get them off your back so you can go down other avenues if
you think that'd help.
i've wanted to tell you about my handlers for a long time
but when i talk to you i feel childish and a little stupid.
i'm sure part of that goes waaaay back to when the K's, A,
you & I had split up into groups at a K sleep over and you
had said to one of them (or so they felt the need to
report...) that you didn't believe that i worked for arab
breeders in Az...blah blah blah. ever since then i've felt
the need to prove myself to you at times. you were the new
kid trying to disband the dreams i was trying to implant
and share w/my horse crazed friends. all they knew of
horses was fox creek, happy hawthorne and 'backyard'. i
wanted them to see there was another side to the whole
thing and i had been part of it. i was really hurt.

getting back to the handlers, when i was 15 i was involved
w/2 guys that i loved to death. (not surprising) i never
bring them up because it goes back to my discredit
issue^^^. i spent alot of time w/the 2, as much as i could
anyway. when they could come out to ride they would...until
the day i got spooked.
they were much older than me and being extremly handsome
italian men, they had alot of experiance w/all kinda women,
living in wrigleyville they had mucho experiance w/'weird
downtown clubs' & finally, working at clubs and teaching at
a tae kwon do place...they had resources. i wasn't the type
of girl (child) they needed to be around but there were
feelings/attractions and i was a true pain in the ass. i
wanted every aspect of thier lifestyle except the cocaine.
i guess my training w/them was inocent in a way. i never
had sex w/them but there were parties & things i'd walked
in on/was invited to watch. the deeper i got into the sex &
cocaine part of things the more uncomfortable i got.
finally, i had to leave. it was a lil too much for my tiny
brain. i was in some heavy stuff and people in the circle
were starting to say thing like 'when you grow up...'. i
was way uncomfortable w/the whole mess but i stayed in
contact w/one of the guys. i still talk to him every now
and then and i wish i could go back to being in his care
but it's not going to happen.
my second experiance (even tho it's been part of me since i
was 15 and i'd put little 'kinky things' into relationships
i've had) was with M. he was more S&M were i am more D/s.
that means he was into pain and i am more into (semi-
painless) punishment and reward. i never told him that i'd
been practising that lifestlye for a while so he was VERY
slow with me...too slow. he had to go before we could
really get into too much trouble.
the third handler i had was Cowboy. i'm ready to ask him
for my freedom tho, next sunday...maybe. i haven't bothered
him w/the troubles i've been having because his answer is
to come to him. i should be running to him but YOU are the
only thing keeping me here. i adore my Sir but i love you.
i've had to teach only one handler. that was my on-line
interest. once she got the hang of things she really took
the reins...but always in the man's roll. i've written/had
fantasies about women while i talked to her but that was
outside my comfort level at the time. i've also been w/a f
for my Sir but it wasn't anything hardcore. i think he saw
the lust in my eyes and gave me that experiance because i
needed it at the time BUT he is a jealous creature and
controled the situation completely.

my guest last night was nothing special. i have a friend
from denmark who i hang out with sometimes. he was my boss
whem i temped for Ba& Ol (they are from denmark & make cool
stuff...we should go to their store at woodfield). anyway,
his name is kim and he's a real sweetie.
when i started working there he was away on business.
everyone told me how uptight he was. he didn't even really
aknowledge his employees. something must have happend while
he was away tho because he was nice to me. that was about a
year ago. i love being around him & learning about denmark.
we've never slept together but i can tell you he's a good
kisser.
everytime i have company or i go out w/someone and you ask
who it is 2 things jump to my head 1) the waaay above
mentioned feelings^^^^ and 2) 'i wonder if she's asking
because she thinks its A) O or B) Stalker. i have no
intention of having either over so don't worry.

before all of this craziness i was going to ask you if you
wanted to go to the strip club w/me sometime. i've been
EXTREMLY curious about the place since i was a kid...being
as i've driven past it (the one on 12) all my god damn
life. lol if you don't, that's okay. i'll live....or go
myself (and act like i'm there to write an article? lol)