6445bekiM

im waiting for blood....

...to flow to my fingers, ill be alright when my hands get
warm. i don't even really like that song all that much, but
it woulda been good to listen to a few months ago. too much
goin through my head, my stomach is all messed up. i got an
IM from this girl, and i never accept them unless i read
the profile, it says "you know who i am", so im thinkin
it's andrea, and my stomach gets all crazy, and im thinkin
im about to puke and get really pissed, but it was just
jermaine's sister, melissa.
i don't know what my deal is with andrea, i keep hoping
that ill run into her somewhere, just so she can see me and
i can ignore her. it's like, i hate her just for doing
nothin but lying to me, but now i almost want to go out
with her again, or just have...i don't even really know. i
think i just miss her; no i just miss being in a
relationship, a loving relationship. i haven't loved anyone
in a while, nor been loved. not like i ever was anyway. who
knows, maybe andrea did love me, and i either didn't want
to believe her that she did, or i was just too ignorant to
notice; im pretty sure it was my own self-centeredness that
kept me from believing her.
i really need to do some soul searching, or i need to
find myself or change myself or some shit like that. to a
certain point, everyone is selfish, and shallow, but not to
the point that i've gotten to. i know everyone says "i
dont' care what other people think," but that's bullshit
and they know it. everyone does, they might say it, they
might dress weird because of it, but everyone cares what
others think, when it all comes down to it at least. when
it comes down to what, i don't know, but i really need to
just take a few weeks off, and relax and find my mind.
that's my plan for july, im headed to california. i don't
care if im goin alone, but im goin. that's nothin more than
a few months away. too long for me to wait. i don't think
im gonna go up to wrestling next week, cause matt's gonna
be gone, so i can just chill at home alone. time away from
everyone, that's all i need. just some time, some time
alone, time to myself. that's all i need, just a little
time.

mjb