a_fire_inside

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2002-02-02 01:53:14 (UTC)

LoNG fuCkInG WEeK........


Hey, srry i havent really written in a long
while. just been busy i guess. Today is Friday and im stuck
at home, bored and tired and alone. Chris is in California
right now. he left this mornin after 1st hour, but it was
cool cuz i gotta say goodbye. I was soooo sad today!
During P.E. (2nd hour) i got so stressed out and shit.
Fuckin fat tubby lard ass Gardenia was pissing me off. She
didnt give me the ball when we played basketball, and then
i got hit in the back really hard with a ball (not
purposely). I was just basically standing there the whole
time and i started to think about Chris and how i wont be
able to see or talk to him all weekend and then i started
to think about Paulina. Lately she's been acting kinda
depressed and stuff and it just made me so sad. My eyes got
all watery and i just wanted to cry, right there on the
court. I just felt so stressed out and shit. I think its
because of what Paulina said to me on Wednesday.
Chris came over to my house that day after school and
we almost had sex in my room but my mom would be home soon
so we decided that we would do it on some weekend when he
could sneak over to my house late when eveyone's asleep. He
told me he wanted to do that again. But anyways Paulina
left me a message on my cell phone that just broke my heart.

She was saying that she had been thinking a lot, and i was
her only real friend. All her other friends are just people
that she talks to at school and that she doesnt really care
about that much and stuff. Also, she's really sad because a
lot of people dont talk to her anymore because she smokes
weed now(she didnt really use to do it, but then again i
hadnt really done it either since 7th grade.) But i
thought about it, and she is sorta right. I mean, who can
you really say is your true friends? i socialize
with people, but i dont really do stuff with them on the
weekends or talk with them on the phone. LIterally , the
only people ive been hanging out with lately is Chris and
Paulina. We get fucked up together and just chill, like
one big happy fuckin family. I do stuff with Stix too, but
i never see Brittany or Amber anymore, and i talk to
Rafaela and Whitney at school, but we dont hang out.
Yesterday though, Britt and Rafa came over and me and Rafa
had a long talk, but i know i cant get too close to her cuz
she's conceited,selfish, and spoiled, and she just isnt the
type of 'really close' friend.

RIght now, i guess i just dont really know
what my social status is. all i can fucken think about is
getting high and sleeping with Chris. I had so much fun
with him on Wednesday. He told me he loved me, and i said
it back because i really do. I love him so much and i wanna
be with him for a long time. i know there is no one else
out there like him and he means sooo much to me. If i ever
lost him or if someone ever tried to hurt him or he told me
that he didnt care about me anymore, i dont know what i
would do. i would probably go crazy and die.

I know i normally dont get like this and i hate people
that are like this too, but i just feel kinda depressed
right now, and really fuckin tired. ITs beEn a LonG
weEK..... I just kinda wish things were back to the
way they used to be, but i dont even remember what that
was. Maybe Paulina was right. Weed is really fucking up our
lives. We had a really bad luck streak, and we arent
really the same and we dont talk to the same people
anymore. But if they dont want to be my friend because i
choose to get high, then they can go fuck themselves. its
my body, and my life, and ILL choose how to live it. But
im sorry to everyone that ive hurt or ignored. well,
later.


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