Kristina

Could I have been anyone other than me?
2002-02-02 00:16:25 (UTC)

So a new diary, eh?


Okay, first item of business. I wanted a livejournal.
Cause that's the cool thing to do. But, I'm too cheap to
pay. So I'm trying this baby out.

I have this weird fascination with online diaries. I had
one at another website, but too many people in real life
knew about it. And I enjoy the mystique of being anonymous
when it comes to online journals. I mean, the whole time I
was writing in my other journal, I really wasn't writing
what I wanted to, because I knew that people were reading
it. And they would know who and what I was talking about.
And that totally defeats the purpose of a journal. And
you, my friend, have no idea what I'm writing about! So
ha! :)

Second item of business: Why do I always develop these
weird fascinations with people? I mean, this always seems
to happen to me. You know how sometimes you are just drawn
to someone? It happens to me a lot. I get to meet these
people through school functions and stuff, and I develop
these little mini crushes. They're like
innocent, "Oh,you're cool.." crushes. On these Random
people that are totally off the wall. Like Patrick. I
hate even typing his name, cause it's just too weird. I
can't ever imagine being physically attracted to him. But
I want to be around him and have him like me. But would I
ever envision a relationship or mutual thing between us?
No. But I find myself buying a new sweater and
thinking, "I'll wear this tomorrow" and then as an after
thought, "and I'll look cute cause I have class with
Patrick tomorrow." Why the Hell am I thinking like
that??! And today, in Calculus, I found myself feeling an
emotion I haven't felt in awhile...was it...yes, yes it
was...JEALOUSLY...because Patrick was working on the
assignment with Rachel. WHY THE HELL AM I FEELING THIS
WAY?!? I don't like Patrick, and he doesn't like
Rachel...and Rachel doesn't like him. And we are NHS
officers together. The three of us, Rachel, Patrick and
me.
I just want the attention from him. I want him to make me
laugh and be smart with me and do our calculus together.
God. And we have fun together at our activities, right?
We laugh our asses off. And we have tons of stuff in
common. So later today, I'm standing in line waiting to
get a purchase order for an activity we are planning, and
I'm thinking...about going to buy these V-day supplies with
Rachel and how I wished Patrick was coming along, and who
should come around the corner and get in line, but Patrick
himself. Right at that very moment, appropriately. And we
talk, and it's nothing. Later that day, I return to the
same line to pick up the order, and Patrick comes up behind
me again. "Did you get it?" He asks, and we chat, and I
tell him that Rachel and I are going together. "Oh, sounds
like fun." He says casually, and I say "Well, you should
come!!" and he considers it but has to work, so its a no
go. Stupid really. Later on, I find that Rachel is taking
him to the upcoming dance. Which is really nothing. But
I'm envious, cause as friends, they will have fun
together.

Deep down, I know this is weird: But I want him to like
me. And that's wrong of me, to want that.
Because I don't necessarily want to like him back.

Weird. And I guess its fun to have this little diversion
to think about. But it's not something I think I could
seriously persue. But...he is the funniest kid.

I do this all the time. Of course, it's been different. I
mean, Andrew was the same way. A school thing brought us
together and I fell for him cause he was so smart and
funny. But I was very attracted to him in other ways too.
The same goes with James. When I had crushes on those
boys, I could imagine kissing them, no problem. But then I
have had crushes on people like Nick, or Patrick, were that
element is not there. Why do I do that?!? It doesn't make
sense.

blah. Did I really write all that? This why I needed to
get a new, anonymous diary. I guess I should mention that
names were changed to protect the innocent. Or were
they?!? Perhaps, perhaps not!

I'll be back later




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