Insensitive Kitten

Insensitive Kitten
2001-04-23 05:28:45 (UTC)

...keep rollin rollin rollin...

"Breathe in breathe out, back up back up, tell me what you
gonna do now..."

No, I am not a Limp Bizkit fan...please don't mistake me
for one. Why not mistake me for something more
cheesier....like an Nsync fan?

I was lookin through my Logitech Gallery thing and I have
tons of pictures of my cuts.....and pictures from long
ago...when things were more dramatic...and more simple at
the same time.
I've been nestalgic all day....I think it's this damned
heat.
But as I saw my cuts blend in seamlessly with the pictures
of my friends...girlfriend...and cat...I started to
wonder...
What exactly has my life come to?
Yes, of course I've wondered this before but the dribble
swimming around me (more commonly considered a typical day)
is making me yearn for what I used to be....
I used to be heavily into cutting.....it was either cut or
die...cut when someone makes you cry...cut when you're
lonely...cut when you can't feel....oh hell...cut when you
spill milk. Why not?
I did that for almost two years I believe....
But only for one year did I live on it.
I don't use it to survive anymore, no.

Somehow I feel like a part of my identity has been taken
away....like, I was known as "the girl with torn up
skin"....and now I'm just "the girl with scars"...
I wanna be the girl with blood constantly flowing from
her...
That's when I felt more 'me'.
I can't explain it.
I don't cut often anymore....
Only when I don't feel alive.
And that seems to be happening at least twice or three
times a month.
I truly truly miss the days when I would be able to take a
knife to my skin every single night...
just so I would be able to fall asleep.

I feel like....If I'm not a cutter anymore....then what the
hell am I?
How do I identify myself?
Saying an ex-cutter makes me look like I'm just wanting
attention...
And saying I sometimes cut...makes me look like what I hate.
A poser who only wants...attention.
But I don't want attention

I want an identity.....

Yes, I realize I'm fucked up

Please, don't patronize me.......