Pink Flowers

Pink Flowers
2002-01-31 23:24:14 (UTC)

Bad Day......Bad Person

I didn't go to school again today. It's weird, when I
get sick I get very depressed. I wish I had the courage
to kill myself. I think about it all the time, but I just
can't bring myself to carry through with it all. Anyway,
Megan came over after school and told me that she had
gotten William to tell her about what happened with he and
I. He said that he would never do that again. Well
great. I didn't know he was the ashamed and that I was
that low. Fuck! Why can't I die??? He said that he
didn't care that I gave up my virginity to him. He just
doesn't care. He said that I knew what I was getting
into. Actually I guess I did but in a way I thought that
if I had sex with him he would have accepted me or
something.....I don't know maybe I figured he would like
me. I am so fucking stupid! So anyway, I took Megan to
see the speculation house today. It would have been ok if
no one had been ther ebut Greg's builder was. Shit! I am
going to be in so much trouble! I asked him not to tell
Greg or my mom that I had been there. Yeah,. that will
make things look really obvious! Shit! Anyway, I really
need to talk to my mom. God, I need to talk to her. I
know that she will hate me though. I mean I can't be
blamed for it all though. No one was ever home. I was I
guess on my own and I needed someone to want me and so
that was William. No, I can't blame this on anyone. This
is all my fault! I did all of this to myself! I want to
die! I want to die more than anything! I just wish
someone would kill me because I don't have the balls to do
it myself. Really though, I have nothing to live for
anymore. I know that my parents only think of me as
something that they have to deal with. I know that! And,
I know I will never find love. I know that too! I just
made a huge mistake. I should have died when I was born.
I think most of my friends find there strength through me
because of what a week person I am. I guess it makes
thenm feel better about themselves. I really can't deal
with me anymore. And, I know if I keep on living like
this I will eventually......still be alive physically but
dead on the inside. That is not how I want to be. WHAT
IS WRONG WITH ME???? Mom, I am so sorry! I really am. I
understand if you don't ever want to have to look into my
dissappointing face again. I know that I don't make you
happy and I am sorry!!! I wish I could talk to you! I
really do. I just don't know what to do with myself
anymore. I know you don't want to read any of this
either. To you this all must seem like a melodramatic
girls attempt to get attention.....maybe it is.....I don't
know. But, I am sorry! I thought I could deal with
life. I thought I could put all my bad thoughts and
feelings away but I can't and I am sorry.