bubble bath berry blast
i'm babysitting Christian from friday 6 o'clock to saturday
night 11. Hey, i'm getting a 50 for it. i'm happy. Well
Mike kinda wrote me a bitchy letter the other day. so you
know what i went out and did? hah! i'm not telling cause
you'll tell him...but i wrote him back in any case.
Damn. my love life really sux. right now. i guess. Steven
is so weird. I mean, i want to be best friends with him but
then again i kinda like him..in that way? i do. i have for
a really long time. i have the feeling something is making
him really unhappy. really cant blame him. I mean, when he
came back his girl was being a dumbass and for that matter
i dont even think he WANTED to come back. But then again i
still like Rian. I wish he wasnt mad at me. i hate it when
people are mad at me. i also like someone else, but i think
he's going out with someone else. you know its a funny
think that i'm usually really good friends with the person
i like. and i'm perfectly fine with just being friends with
someone. i dont really care if it ever goes into something
deeper. i value that more. just to apprecate someone being
alive. i came to a conclusion. the reason it hurt me so
much when mike was pissed at me but i didnt care about what
his sister said was because me and mike had a good time
over the summer. once in particular i remember..but missy
and i were competitive from the begining. we didnt even
try. to which i have some fault. but i cant stand laughing
with someone one time and then having them hate me the
next. i mean, damn! you really hate me that much? why? i'm
i really that terrible?
yea. i suppose i am. i mean. i try not to be everything
that i despise...but i find myself doing exactly that. I
hate it when girls talk about their frickin boy problems
the whole time but what am i doing the whole time. i hate
it when people try to hide who they are. but i do just
that. i hate it when people talk about how their hair looks
but i'll still say DAMN SHE HAS SOME UGLY SKANK HAIR. and i
just cant stop myself. I'm so used to doing what they do.
because if i dont i may end up alone. and i'm terrified of
being alone.i'm terrified of walking into a cafeteria and
no one wants to talk to me. being popular isnt everything,
but having friends is. i dont have a really supportive
family or even big family to speak of, or family that i
only see in intervals of months and years.
I've heard there was a secret chord
That David played and it pleased the Lord
But you don't really care for music, do you?
It goes like this...the fourth, the fifth
The minor fall
The major lift
The baffled King composing Hallelujah
Your faith was strong but you needed proof
You saw her bathing on the roof
Her beauty and the moonlight overthrew you.
She tied you to a kitchen chair
She broke your throne
She cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah
Maybe I have been here before
I know this room, I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew you.
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
Love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
There was a time you let me know
What's real and going on below
But now you never show it to me, do you?
And remember when I moved in you
The holy dark was moving too
And every breath we drew was Hallelujah
Maybe there's a God above
And all I ever learned from love
Was how to shoot at someone who outdrew you.
And it's not a cry you can hear at night
it's not somebody who's seen the light
it's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah
Thats kind of a long song. its by Rufus Wainwright. The
lyrics are sometimes blah and sometimes awesome and true.
You know people talk about me all the time. i dont really
care. but you know if i want people to talk about me i'll
want them to say i'm a walking contradiction. Gothic one
day..sporty the next. skater. glam. you name it. then
soon..soon soon it will be over with the guessing games.
over. its only over when you're dead. but i'm not going to
be dead anytime soon. just my false facade. Hallelujah.