Cat

Self harming dyke
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2002-01-31 11:21:53 (UTC)

sherbert dreams

Mood: scrambled
Song: I have lyrics in my head... *do you forgive me, if I
act real...*
Cuts: 7 on left wrist last night.


So. I hadn't cut for ages and then last night I was playing
solitaire to see if I would get the job and if the doctor
has written, and I couldn't make it work. I played maybe 30
times, always the answer was always no. So I got a razor
and took out the blade (my last one - how will I shave my
legs now?). If it didn't say yes, I would cut. It said no.
I went a bit apeshit with the blade and it hurts like fuck
today. I don't have any plasters, so it is open now. long
sleeves, I had to wear my watch dead loose, or it'll make
it really sore when it rubs.

After all that, I found 3 cards which had been missing...
they were on the floor. FUCK! I played with a full pack.
One no, then a yes. I had been playing for 3 hours by then
and it was 2am. I am knackered today and look like death
warmed up (and not warmed too well).

I can't work here. I keep playing Pacman - *if I get
through to the 5th round I'll see the doctor again...* etc.

I found out that I don't have the dream job that I heard
about the other day. I guess I'm just going to have to face
unemployment. I have this interview tomorrow, but I'm sure
it won't be a success and the job looks wrong anyway.

Sorry to be so negative all the time, but I want to get
these thoughts out in the open so that I don't have to feel
them all bottled up. I miss the doctor so much. I fall
asleep wishing I could have her by me. If I pretend that
she is nearby, I can sometimes sleep easier.

I am seeing a psychiatrist today, who will give me a
prescription for the psychotherapist. That way, the
sessions will be mostly paid for by my insurance.

I feel so fucked up now.


*Cat*


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