psychomagnet

sleeptodreamher
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2002-01-31 05:08:44 (UTC)

i dont want to pretend anymore..

i dont want to pretend anymore
i dont want to smile anymore
i dont want to act happy anymore
i dont want to be sober anymore
i dont want to care anymore
i dont want to be awake anymore
i dont want to be alive anymore
i was just sitting there. absorbing how fucking worthless
i am, thinking about how much i hate myself what a bad
person i am and how i have fucked everything up beyond
repair then how much goes wrong that is out of my control
and i just realized, i had a revelation it was so clear it
dawned on me that i do not want to live anymore. matt just
echoed in my head, and they arent even words said in
meaness, just words said in knowing me, knowing me inside
out, "adrienne theres no where in the world where you can
go and be immersed in happiness again. this is who you are
now. you can change the place but not the situation."
who i am. who i am. who am i? a fucking mess. i will
always be crazy. what dont people get about that. i will
always be crazy. its not just guna change. and i dont
grow up i dont learn i dont leave situations a stronger
person. i dont and i never will. and i do not want to
live anymore.


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