kat5831

Thoughts to Share
2002-01-31 04:45:47 (UTC)

Reality fear factor

Don't even know where to begin.

As if I wasn't already 5 mins late for spanish today, I was
stopped in the hall for a chat with a professor. Seems
that I have been invited to make an appointment with a dean
of the pharmacy school. Not just any dean...dean of
admissions. I mean, this is pretty much the god of the
pharmacy school. Needless to say I am upset, for other
reasons, but mostly nervous I suppose. I am probably going
to literally make myself sick. This is like...majorly
important. It's not even like my interview. I have even
less of an idea why I'm going to his office, or what he's
going to ask. I'm afraid I'm going to say the wrong thing,
I'm not going to say the right things, I won't prove
anything, and then he'll know who I am and can have the
final say as to what I will be doing next year. Did that
make any sense? I don't know... I suppose I should call
as soon as possible, I have no idea when he's here, and
when he's out recruiting. I feel like he's going to
analyze everything about me, including the amount of time I
wait to make an appointment. Not to mention I'm gonna have
to dress up to go see him b/c well....yeah, it's like the
ultimate interview probably. And do I have anything to
wear? Probably not.
On the bright side...the class before my spanish class let
out late, and so I wasn't late to class.

I think I should know better than to keep going to things
that afterwards I always end up upset. Yet, here I went
again this week. Right off...a question was asked and I
had to admit defeat. Not necessarily defeat, but semi-
failure. Whatever... So I was upset from the get-go. The
more you sit in a place you're uncomfortable, the worse
things seem, and the more upset you get. I guess I did
learn some things and also some things I did wrong. Of
course I didn't wear the right things, but what else is
new. After hearing some things, I realized that even if I
do conquer this small mountain, I have Mt. Everest ahead
and I feel like I'm going to be doing it alone. Also got
into some money issues, which I keep worrying about these
days. I know this should probably be the least of my
worries, and that I am not the only one with this on my
mind, but at times it seems overwhelming. I don't want to
ask my parents for money, b/c they have my brother and
themselves to take care of as well. Really need a job here
at school I guess to work during the year. Must work a lot
this summer....even if I go to summer school I'm going to
need to get a job. Definitely. I guess that I was given
some comfort at the end with the devotion. Gave me some
hope, and yes...just a bit of comfort.

I need to change. I need to change myself. I suppose I am
a good person and all, although at times I doubt that.
Yet, there are so many things I should improve on. I
should be outgoing. I like people, I like working with
people, so why can't I just do things? Why is it so hard
to strike up a conversation? I feel like it's just not me,
but that's what the world is going to require of me. So I
guess that means the world will be requiring me to change.
That's scary. Change is difficult for me anyways, but
changing how I am, who I am....after 19 years and 362 days
of work, that will be tough. Maybe I'll get used to it.

My roommate and I have the same problem. We care too
much. Don't ask me how that always ends up being a
problem, but it does. Maybe that's something I need to
change as well. Seems like that works better in the world.

God did not promise sun without rain, light without
darkness, or joy without pain. He only promised us
strength for the day when the darkness comes and we lose
our way. For only through sorrow do we grow more aware
that God is our refuge in times of despair. For when we
are happy and life's bright and fair, we often forget to
kneel down in prayer. But God seems much closer and needed
much more when trouble and sorry stand outside our door.
For then we seek shelter in His wondrous love and we ask
Him to send us help from above. And that is the reason we
know it is true that bright, shining hours and dark, sad
ones, too, Are part of the plan God made for each one, and
all we can pray is. "Thy will be done!"
~Helen Steiner Rice