2002-01-31 01:33:50 (UTC)

last night, I touched my body.

last night. I touched my body. I was thinking unhealthy
thoughts again. I often think about sex and what it would
feel like. Is that wrong? Am I dirty? Im only 17. There is
nothing wrong with questions. Sometimes, if I lay long
enough in the dark, I can feel my husband's hands caressing
me. It's weird, I know and a bit kinky. I can feel his
breath on me and I turn to kiss him...but it's just the
rough cotton of my pillow. My mind plays out over and over
and over and over my lover, my husband, and I get so sad
because...I know that it isn't real. But I want it to be
real. Im not in a hurry to have sex or anything...Im just
in a hurry to love someone. But what's that I
don't want a boyfriend...I want a husband. I must be crazy.
My fantasies often have me sputtering such jibberish. But I
can't help it...