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2002-01-30 23:09:21 (UTC)

light at the end of the tunnel

alright so for as long as i remember.. i suck.

no really thats gramatically correct. for as long as i can
remember, ive been told that i suck. that im a screw up
that i cant do things right and never will be able to. i
cant even feel right if im sad or insulted im just stupid
and melodramatic if i have an oppinion im stupid and
talking back and extremely rude if i dont read their minds
im stupid and worthless and lazy

the thing was that this was perfectly normal.. you know
those shirts and stuff that change colors.. like greenish
blueish black.. right? basically if you look at it their
green.. alright but if you have and see it in your closet
close up and a whole lot more than others see it- you know
its true colors. well even if this is a sucky analogy you
guys know what im talkin about. They were perfectly
PERFECT parents to everyone. Why would anyone guess that I
cried myself to sleep because they would tell me im
horrible i wanted to die because i thought i was crazy. No
one would validate my feelings and every time i would tell
someone, i would look at their nice green color and how i
would have to get people to believe they were really black.
So finally I had a 'significant depressive episode'. I
didn't eat for a while maybe a week and did nothing but
slept. i told someone then. and they took me seriously.
you don't know how significant that is. they took me
seriously my entire life i waited and someone took me
seriously. i didn't even take myself seriously. they
looked so green damnit!

i got some counseling i thought i was crazy but it turns
out that tiny hush in the darkest part of me that said they
were the crazy ones, was right all along. im slowly getting
back on my feet. slowly believing that its okay to be me to
have confidence in who i am to say things to do things to
tell people to fuck off if they mistreat me. now i know
that im okay. and ive been accepted into the college of my
dreams... theres finally light. after all these years ever
since i can remember i suck and now im standing up to

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