2002-01-30 18:56:24 (UTC)

deciscions, decision

there are four possibilities that i have to consider. one,
he stays. two, i go with him. three, we have a long
distance relationship. four, no relationship. what are
the possibilities?

one. if i ask him to stay? do i take into consideration
my feelings or his? mine? how do i feel about that?
hmmmm. i guess, we have grown closer. we're doing much
better with the whole communication thing. what type of
future would we have together? i he stayed, i'd want to
move forward with our relationship. but, don't i want to
do that anyways? if he stays, we could travel the country
on the scooters together. i'd be secure. he'd be there
for me. we would have the opportunity to continue our
relationship and the opportunity to see if it would work
out. and, i think it would. but, if i do that, if i ask
him to stay, if i tell him that i don't want him to go,
would that seem selfish? isn't it selfish? would he
resent me in the years to come? am i preventing him from
seeking an excellent opportunity? what would i do if i
were him? would i resent him? i can't ask him not to go.
i do support his decision to go to australia. i'm just
afraid of what it means for us.

two. if he asked me to, would i go with him? there's such
a large part of me that would jump at the chance to go with
him. i'm jealous as hell! i want the adventure! i want
to have the opportunity to explore and absorb a new
culture, new lands! what would i do? how would i support
myself? i don't know. what would the country allow me to
do? could i do some sort of work that is similar to what i
do now? i'd love to be able to do some sort of probation
work out there. but, i doubt that i would. you'd most
likely have to be a citizen of australia. so, what would i
do? go to school? work with children? if he asks, i'd go.

three. long distance relationship. this one is the one
that i like most of all. because, it would allow myself to
grow. to continue doing what i'm doing now. to discover
who i am. to be able to test the waters and see if i'm
still in love with scottie. because, i do doubt, often if
i am still in love with him. sometimes, i know that i am.
but, when i'm attracted to other men? how could i
possibily be in love with him and still be attracted to
other men? that's the part that i don't know. i'm sooo
fucken fickle in that sense.

four. no relationship. can't see this one. it isn't as
if i'm able to turn off my feeling so easily.

so, i guess i know what it is that i want. i just have to
fine tune it all.

the question he's said...would i be able to have a
long distance relationship without hurting him?