2002-01-30 18:53:11 (UTC)


Lets see. I went to the Doctor this morning. We talked
about my medical condition - that I have bleeding, scarring,
and that the bottom of my bowel is unusually tight, hard and
constricted rather than soft and flexible like it should be,
that the crohns is in my stomach some too now instead of
just the small and large bowel, that I may have anal canal
disease which is a grotesque way of saying that medication
is required to fix the rigid tightness of the end of the
colon - we talked about the potasium related headaches that
completely demobilize me and sometimes eiminate basic motor
functions temporarily, and about my disassociation I have
been experiencing and about how my perception of colors is
sometimes really dull, other times really vivid and that the
same is true sometimes of my depth perception - then he
talked about his hip surgury that he had and about how many
people have died in the last while. Then he sent me to get
blood work done...

Then I went to first class for today and then went to go to
second only to find out that it isn't for another hour and
ten minutes.

I still find that I am unable to relax in public and that my
self-perception is terrible, my paranoia still insists on
speaking up despite my best attempts to rationalize it out
of my head, and I want work to do, a lot of it, just not
work involving what I am taking at school this year. I had
to reformat my hard-drive yesterday and again this morning
because my installations went terribly wrong for unknown
reasons concerning the drivers for the network card and the
direct x 8 update from the microsoft website. the prior
erased system files for some reason, the latter didn't
install for some reason - neither makle sense so I'll have
to do them again but the only way to do so is to start
everything from scratch again. So that sucks too.

I have a lot of reading and homework to do, I have to finish
those forms and send them out, I have to get the engine of
the ar checked ot because its acting funny, and I have to
get posters up so I can try to make some money - I have to
get an appointment with a career councilor, and apply to
some schools for next year. I have to get my resumes out
for work this summer. I have to find a place to live this
summer but that presuposes knowing where I am going to work,
which presupposes where I am going to go to school next
year, which presupposes what plans can be made for Misty,
Ceolia, and I.

I also have to get my drawing together in the worst way so I
can apply to places like MacKenzie College in Halifax and
get some post-secondary education and papers in a field I
can use to make money in something I would like else its gas
stations, restaurants, coffee-shops, retail stores, music
lessons, or skill-less labour that work long hours (if you
are lucky) just to make enough to cover bills.

Arhh! ok, so I need to kick ass and get a lot done in
little time while quite ill... ok. lets do that then. I
want to apply to law but that means LSAT's that are soon and
I'm not feeling ready for because I never studied for one in
my life. I want to apply for psychology so there are
options there. I want to apply to MacKenzie but I need to
put a portfolio together which means a LOT of drawing and
getting a scanner to use and knowing lil more about
Photoshop and Dreamweaver. I can apply to schols now, get
the form-work done, and find out where I am accepted and
talk to Misty about where else I can apply and where she
wants to go. I know she is thinking Truro, Winnipeg, and
Victoria (I think). I'm thinking Victoria, Halifax,
Wolfville or maybe at a stretch Charlottetown.

So for now:
Computer Science?
or maybe Photography or Auto-Mechanics or Cook?

decisions decisions...

do I just want to work? hmmmmm
depends where I guess. And for how much.

I just want to do what I love for a living and that requires
getting a good deal of equipment first. I should take audio
engineering somewhere if I was smart. Get it on paper
I really just miss Misty ight now and want to block the rest
of this stuff out of my mind and relax and enjoy life -
wasn't that the point in the first place?