Infiniterocker

hello kitty cat
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2002-01-30 16:38:45 (UTC)

mercury

I havne't written in this for a while now...but I thougth
I'd write about something that is still bothering me...Last
night Jason and I had another "incident" or whatever the
hell you call it...and they're so terrible...I don't
understand him...I wish he could tell me why he tries to
push me away liek that...it started out about this guy
Steven that I've been chatting with I guess...apparently he
wants me..not that it matters because I don't plan on
cheating on Jason let alone returning his feelings. It
reaaally bothered Jason..and I guess I took it as him being
paranoid and trying to control who I do and don't talk
to...but we worked it out..so we say. I can't help but
think there is a bigger reason than he knows..or at least
isn't telling me....why he does that. He doesn't even
always understand what I mean by things...we'll be fighting
and he'll be thinking I'm joking around..when really I
laugh so I don't cry...It's not a real laugh...it's a "oh
my god I can't believe him" laugh....he doesn't understand.
I do love him...but is this all just terrible for both of
us? Are we better off alone? When things like this
happen..he always says he'll take me home..or he'll
threaten leaving where ever we are....or say that he wants
to break up with me...and maybe I'm not who he thought I
was....and it gets me thinking maybe he's not who I thought
HE was...and he pushes me away...in the end it's usually
better..but I can't deny the fact that this keeps
happening...and I dont' know why. He says he can't help
it...that he seriously tries not to act like that...but to
me..it's not something you "try" to fix...you stop it...I
don't know if it's him being afraid of being happy..or him
being afraid of being in something that he truly doesn't
want...or maybe I'm really not who he thought I was. He's
told me so many different things I don't knwo what is real
and what is not. All I know is that usually I wake up in
the morning and go "shit..school..atleast I can see
Jason..." and I call him...and I feel better because I know
someone knows me...REALLY knows me...and who TRULY cares
about me...but this morning I woke up like the morning
after he told me I wasn't enough for him...when we had
broken up in June....not as bad...but close....and we're
still together...I thought everything was OK at the end. I
don't know. Maybe I wasn't just talking to Steven for the
hell of it..maybe I was going to ask him for advice on
Jason or something...Sometimes I wish I could talk to a
guy ..or anyone for that matter who understands why he
overreacts all the time. He say's he knows it's meant to
be...that he KNOWS. But is he just saying that? At this
point with everything he has said..and as easily as he'd
let me go...I'm far away...he's pushed me so far...I'm not
going to give up but this is hard. I don't know what I'm
saying...I don't know...I'm just afraid of losing him. And
I think he wants this to end..deep down I think that's what
he wants..why would he do all he does just because? I hate
love. But then I think of all the good...we have so
much...but they almost seem like 2 different worlds...that
don't overlap at all...so really I don't know...I need to
let this all blow over so I can see clearly...and
Jason..don't take any of this too personally if you read
this..I just am so tired....


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