Jake
OrGaNiZeDcOnFuSiOn
Life
You know why this has been so fucking hard for me?
Because....
I LIVE FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN AND DREAM ABOUT.
In consumes my thoughts. It controls my life.... and why?
Bottom line.... it makes me HAPPY. The reason we are all
alive is to enjoy life.
Do what makes you HAPPY.
First it was baseball. Everyday I was playing baseball. I
was damn good at it too. I was in All-Stars every year, and
got awards and it made me happy. Everyone thought I was the
best 3rd baseman in Babe Ruth and Little League. It made me
happy. I filled my schedule with when I would play
baseball. On tv I would watch the Boston Redsox all the
time. I would stay at my Grandmothers to watch the game all
night with my Grandfather. I spent money on baseball
supplies, and baseball games for playstation, nintendo and
super nintendo.... sega..... I bought books and magazines.
I collected thousands of baseball cards. I have notebooks
full of them. I learned EVERYTHING I could about baseball.
It was ME. Nobody could change or take it away from me. No
matter what kind of day I had or who was bothering me in
life I could go outside and play baseball, or turn on the
tv and imagine I was Mo Vaughn. I loved the smell of fresh
mowed grass in the outfield. I loved the feel of the sun on
my face and the dirt on my knees. I love the smell of a
leather glove. The smell of my batter gloves. It was
beautiful. I loved the respect and appreciation I got for
being good at baseball. My dream was to play for the Redsox
someday. I lived for that dream. Baseball made me happy. I
loved baseball.
Then there was art and drawing. Everyday I was drawing. I
was damn good at it too. I was in art club and everyone
thought I was the best drawer they knew. It made me happy.
I filled my schedule with what and when I would draw next.
I spent money on paints and pencils and canvas's. I bought
books and magazines. I even orderd a Bob Ross painting
instruction kit and painted one of his paintings.... it's
on my wall now. All of his paintings are beautiful. All of
them depict a beautiful scene in nature. I love beautiful
things. The smell of pencil lead, and fresh paint on your
paintbrush. The smell of a canvas or paper in your hand.
The texture of a canvas or in the bark of a tree.... a
leaf.... everything. He painted everything so perfectly. I
learned EVERYTHING I could about art. It was ME. Nobody
could change or take it away from me. No matter what kind
of day I had or who was bothering me in life I could go and
draw, or turn on the tv and watch Bob Ross. I loved the
respect and appreciation I got from other artists, and
people for my drawings, and paintings. I loved being alone
with my a scetchpad. I saw things like no one did and put
it on paper. I lived for it. Drawing made me happy. I loved
drawing.
Then there was fishing. Everyday I went fishing. I was damn
good at it too. I was always trying to get the biggest bass
out there. I filled my schedule with when and where I would
go fishing next. I spent money on fishing supplies and
magazines and learned EVERYTHING I could to try and be the
best I could be at it. I spent money on fishing games.... I
beat bassmasters for nintendo, and super nintendo, and
playstation. Even on playstation2. It was ME. Nobody could
change or take it away from me. No matter what kind of day
I had or who was bothering me in life I could go fishing,
or turn on the tv and watch Bill Dance. I love the fog over
a morning lake, the smell of rain in the morning. The smell
of everything in the forest as I walked to a fishing spot.
I love the little animals everywhere. The fish.... and the
frogs with their
song, "croooooooooooooooooookkkkkkkkkeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee" it
goes from a high note to a half step down and its real
eery. I love the beautiful song of a loon. I love the sound
of insects in the forest. It is my favorite sound ever. I
love how a bass looks sitting just under the water
motionless.... as the woods and everything are so quite.
There is nothing more I love then going down to the lake
and seeing the water as CALM as ever. Like a smooth black
ice. It's SO BEAUTIFUL and quite. One thing I do hate,
though, are the FUCKING MOSQUITOS. FUCK YOU. Anyway.... I
loved the respect and appreciation I got from other
fishermen and people when I caught a huge bass. I loved
being alone in nature. I dreamed one day I would have a
huge expensive bass boat and own a private bass pond. I
lived for it. Fishing made me happy. I loved fishing.
Then there was hunting. Everyday I went hunting. I was damn
good at it too. I was always hunting for the biggest buck
out there. I filled my schedule with where and when I would
go hunting next. I spent money on hunting supplies and
magazines and learned EVERYTHING I could to try and be the
best I could be at it. I bought hunting games for my
computer and have played them many, many times. I've bought
videos and ordered videos and everything. It was ME. Nobody
could change or take it away from me. No matter what kind
of day I had or who was bothering me in life I could go
hunting, or turn on the tv and watch American Outdoors. I
loved being alone in nature. I love how beautiful the woods
are. The sound of the wind in the trees, and the leaves
under my feet. To sit at a tree and just watch it all for
hours and hours. To be TOTALLY alone to think free of the
confusion foun in a normal human filled world. It's an
amazing experience. I love it. It's BEATIFUL. Deer are
beautiful. The way they so perfectly move through the
woods. The way the arch of there back swoops down to shape
there back legs. It's beautiful to see one in the woods.
That's why I love tracking deer. I do it every winter with
my camera in the snow. The woods are so beautiful inveloped
in snow. I loved the respect and appreciation I got from
other hunters and people. I dreamed one day I would get
that monster buck. I lived for it. Hunting made me happy. I
loved hunting.
Then there was running. Everyday I was running. I was damn
good at it too. I was always running everywhere. I filled
my schedule with where and when I would run next. I spent
money on running supplies and magazines and learned
EVERYTHING I could to try and be the best I could be at it.
It was ME. I played and broke every record in the track and
field games for playstation and nintendo. Nobody could
change or take it away from me. No matter what kind of day
I had or who was bothering me in life I could go running,
or turn on the tv and watch the movie Steve Prefontaine and
Without Limits. I loved being alone in nature running the
trails around my house. The spring is beautiful. The
feeling you get after a run in your whole body after an
hour of pure running is an incredabley unique feeling. I
love it. I remember one time stopping in a trail and
looking straight down into a puddle. I saw my reflextion
and thought of the faceless man song by Creed. I was
looking at my faceless man. It was beautiful. The smell of
the woods is amazing. I loved the respect and appreciation
I got from other runners and people. I dreamed one day I
would get a state record in highschool in the 400 or the
mile. I lived for that dream. Running made me happy. I
loved running.
Then there was the piano. Everyday I was playing the piano.
I was damn good at it too. I filled my schedule with it. I
spent money on buying books that taught me how to play
better. I bought scores of music, and a new piano. I was in
a piano class in school. I played in concerts that were
held and it was great. The music teacher thought I was a
damn good player and that I learn REALLY fast. In my
yearbook he told me my future was in music and with the
piano. I only played for 4 months though. That's how I
learned piano. I was on my way.... I practiced and
practiced ALL THE TIME trying to get better and better at
it. I learned EVERYTHING I could to try and be the best I
could be at it. It was ME. Nobody could change or take it
away from me. No matter what kind of day I had or who was
bothering me in life I could go play piano, or listen to
Beethovan or Bach, or Mozart. I loved being alone with the
piano. Music is beautiful. The white marble keys playing
such beautiful music alongside the brown oak wood skeleton.
It's beautiful. I had a computer program where I could
write music and listen and look at scores of other peoples
music and I wrote and wrote and created and endlessly
created my music on it. I wrote an 8 minute song that took
4 months to achieve. I showed my grandmother who has played
piano for years and years and she almost fainted because it
impressed her so much. I loved the respect and appreciation
I got from people who listened to my music. I dreamed one
day I would play for a huge audiance and they would applaud
my original work. I lived for that dream. The piano made me
happy. I loved piano.
I only played piano for a few months, if I kept at it I
could have been SO GOOD. But I found something else I liked
a lot better.
I had found the guitar. Everyday I was playing guitar. I
was damn good at it too. I filled my schedule with it. I
spent money on buying a new electric, and acoustic guitar,
magazines, scores of music I would play, and amplifiers. My
1st guitar book was a little white 15 page thing
on "beginning guitar." That's how I learned how to read
music and play. I have never had one lesson in my life.
Then I bought a "Nirvana - Nevermind" tab book and I was on
my way.... I practiced and practiced ALL THE TIME trying to
get better and better at it. I learned EVERYTHING I could
to try and be the best I could be at it. It was ME. Nobody
could change or take it away from me. No matter what kind
of day I had or who was bothering me in life I could go
play guitar, or listen to Nirvana, Metallica, The Goo Goo
Dolls, Vertical Horizon, Stabbing Westward, Alice n'
Chains, Offspring, Silverchair, Smashing Pumkins, Beethovan
or Bach, or Mozart, and anything else I could get my hands
on. I love being alone with my guitar. Music is beautiful.
The shape of the guitar is beautiful. The smell of the
inside of an acoustic gutar is beautiful. The smell of my
steel callused fingertips after playing for hours is
beautiful. I had a computer program where I could write
music and listen and look at scores of other peoples music
and I wrote and wrote and created and endlessly created my
music on it. Like I said I wrote that 8 minute song that
took 4 months to achieve for the piano as I mentioned
earlier, but I took it apart and messed with it for 4 more
months and turned it into a guitar assemble. I think it's
amazing and I just need a band to play it. I have created
many guitar intrumentals on there. I create them on my
guitar. Then when I put them into the computer note for
note, I can add bass, and drums, and other effects and get
a picture of what it would sound like in a band setting. I
have made up over 25 songs with my guitar and my voice.
I've spent hours and hours in my car singing along with all
the music I have, trying to get my voice the way I want it.
I was in chorus in highschool (which I hated because the
songs were faggish and I felt even more faggish singing
them in front of 400 people on a sunday night) but I still
did it so I could sing. I showed my parents just recently a
demo cd of the music I have created on my guitar and they
were astonished. They knew I played but they had no idea of
what I sounded like. It impressed them so much. Now they
want me to go all the way with it. Which I intend on doing.
I love the respect and appreciation I get from people who
listen to my music. I dream one day I will be in a band I
can make a living from. I dream one day I will be on MTV
unplugged or play at the civic center. I live for that
dream. I loved music. I love singing. Guitar and singing
makes me happy. I love guitar and singing.
Then there was cstrike. Everyday I was playing cstrike. I
was damn good at it too. I filled my schedule with it. I
spent money on road runner, good headphones, gas going to
the mall, playing at the tournies, and the DM. I went
online and learned EVERYTHING I could to try and be the
best I could be at it. It was ME. Nobody could change or
take it away from me. No matter what kind of day I had or
who was bothering me in life I could go play cstrike, or go
on the net and look up cstrike art, and watch demos of
other clans and people who were real good players. I loved
being alone at my comp and playing the game. I even loved
the smell of the cstrike box. The game is beautiful. The
feeling of accomplishment after killing someone is
beautiful. The models are beautiful. Some of the levels are
really beautiful. The sounds are too. I loved the respect
and appreciation I got from other players. I always tried
and fought for 1st place on every stats page of any server
I went to. I usually could do it too. I created the clan -)i
(-INTENSITY-)i(- with big dreams of becoming something
someday. I worked and worked so hard for that clan, and
made it the best I could. I dreamed that one day our clan
would be sponsered and to go to CPL and win BIG bucks. We
never did and the clan died out... but now whenever I see
an ak or a colt, or mp5, or mac10, or any gun from that
game in a movie, or anywhere in life, I say, "I know that
gun!" in my head. lol. I lived for that dream. Cstrike made
me happy. I loved cstrike.
Then there was Allison. Everyday I was living to enjoy life
with her. I loved her with everything I am. I filled my
schedule with when and where we would go and what we do
together. I spent money on her, and us. The Bostin trip,
presents, little things here and there, dinner, movies,
GAS. I did everything for US. For her. She did everything
for US, for ME. She was ME. I was HER. Nobody could change
or take us away from each other. No matter what kind of day
we had, or what was bothering us in life we had each other
to talk to and hold onto and love. We loved being alone
together. We spent hours and hours talking and singing in
my car along with all the music I have. We spent countless
nights holding each other, loving each other, watching
movies together, watching beauty together, driving and
driving. Kissing, making love, loving and being HAPPY.
Having all the fun in the world. The thing I loved the most
about Allison besides her incredably attractive personality
was the way she loved me. The way she made me feel around
her. I felt SO LOVED. I was SO HAPPY. I have never been as
happy in my life as the time I was with her. She gave me
that. We gave each other that. We gave each other the same.
Unconditional love. It's what we all want forever. We had
it. We have it. We both felt the same exact way with each
other. It was so perfect. One thing I loved SO MUCH about
Allison is that she totally and utterly APPRECIATED BEAUTY
EXACTLY THE WAY I DO. I have never found another human
being that could relate to me that way. I have never found
another human being that sees the world the way I do. EVER.
Then I met her. We sought out beauty together in my car. We
would look for the eyes of deer at night and stop the car
if we saw them. If we saw something amazing we would stop
the car and look at it and talk about it all the time. We
would do things together that no one in the world would
even stop and think or even care about doing. I loved every
second with her. We would describe how we both saw it
together in our own minds. Some of the things she has
said..... "Purple Plum sky." she would say with her
squinted eyes staring into the horizon..... "I want to eat
it." Then she would smile real big and bounce so cute like
she does. She thought the star sky was a giant black sphere
covering the earths atmosphere with little holes in it. And
outside the holes was a bright white light. "Cotton Candy
Clouds" "Pumpkin Orange Sky" I utter these words to myself
whenever I see this now.... :( I loved the respect and
appreciation I got from her. One day she told
me.... "Jake.... you are the guy i am going to marry
someday." Then she was all smiley and said all
happily, "THAT'S SO INSANE THAT I KNOW THAT!!" We promised
each other one day we will get married. I dream that we
will grow old together. Forever. It's been said so many
times. I live for that dream. I live for her. I live for
US. I love her. I love her more then my baseball, my
fishing, my hunting, my running, my piano, my guitar, my
music. I love her an INFINATE amount more then any of that.
She makes me HAPPIER then I have ever been in my life....
EVER BEEN. I want that happiness forever. I love Allison
Forever.
But unlike my baseball, my fishing, my hunting, my running,
my piano, my guitar, and my music.... she can be taken away
from me no matter what I do. She is NOT mine. She is a
person. She isn't a possesion like the other things. She
isn't something to be owned like the other things. She
isn't derived from a part of me. Meaning if she is taken
away or leaves it is entirely up to her, and I will be
alone. The same goes for her.... That is the risk you take
in love. The more you love something the greater the pain
will be if it leaves or is taken away. My pain is so
fucking eternal.... because my love for her is. To love
someone THAT MUCH, and have it just taken away.... it's
like shooting me in the head and I die.
So what I have to do now is fallback onto what once was my
passion and dream in life, and made me happy, before
Allison.
Allison was what I based my dreams on.... she was my love,
my passion.... every day revolved around her somehow....
everyday was a good day because we made each other SO
HAPPY.... and now I have to let it all go. I have to change
my frame of mind. She's gone.... and there is NOTHING I can
do about it. NOTHING AT ALL.
I have my guitar, and my fishing, and my hunting, and my
drawing, and my piano.... and that's what I have to focus
on now instead of her all the time. I have to rethink
everyday out..... she isn't here to plan it with me.... I
am so used to her being in my schedule.... now she is
not.... it's hard.... SO HARD. I have no one to see beauty
with anymore. :( Everyday we would see beauty together. I
loved it. Now when I see beauty I cry or feel really sad.
It's just not as beautiful without her there to see it with
me. I made my life with her.... We made our life's with
each other. Now I need to make my life for myself again....
like I did before I ever knew her.
The only point to living is to enjoy life and be happy. I
am NOT happy now. AT ALL. So I need to change. I need to
learn how to be HAPPY without her.... knowing that one day
she'll be back and we will be happier then we ever were
together again. We have forever.... this is a single year.
Like I said in the beginning of this long entry....
I LIVE FOR WHAT I BELIEVE IN AND DREAM ABOUT.
I lived for and believed in US.
Allison and I.
Now all I have believed in is dead. It's gone.
For now anyway.
Also....
If you haven't noticed EVERYTHING I mentioned above
involved beauty. I love beautiful things more then
anything. I notice EVERYTHING that's beautiful and I
cherish and and admire it. I love beauty. I search for it
all the time. ALL THE TIME. One thing that I can say about
that is.
NOTHING THAT IS BEAUTIFUL EVEN COMPARES TO HOW BEAUTIFUL
ALLISON IS.
That includes ALL of Allison. EVERYTHING.
In order to call somebody beautiful you need to include ALL
of them.
You can see the most amazingly attractive, pretty girl in
the world. But she is not beautiful. Beautiful involves
EVERYTHING. The personality, the physical appearance, the
heart, the soul, their dreams, their aspirations, the way
they love, the way they forgive, and most of all, how that
person makes you feel when you are around them. Like you
once said to me Allison....
"You are everything beautiful in the world in a person."
I lived for and believed in Allison and I. When I live for
something it means ALL of me is going into it. Her being
taken away is the same as killing me.
But I will ENJOY life. I will be HAPPY now.
My name is Jake.
I am the happy beast.
=P