Bitch & Moan
2001-04-22 14:50:53 (UTC)


The past few days have been a little bit better. I asked
SAB not to call me until he gets up here. I really would
like him here right now. I miss him so much...and yet, I
still get the feeling that we are not in the same kind of
love. He can sit idly by and then blame me for leaving
him, but he makes no attempt to draw me back. It is simply
my weakness for him that would make it work again. He puts
the idea out there to me, and I take it and run with it. I
don't want to look back, I just want to forge forward ~ I
see him standing there at the end of this long dark
tunnel. I love him with all of my heart and soul. I have
been waiting for him to send me some word...I didn't say I
didn't want to communicate with him, ie AOL or email, I
mean, I certainly DO want to hear from him...I just cannot
have him call me. His voice drives me wild. I want to
beleive all of his promises. I want to climb through the
telephone line and slide right up next to him and have him
in my arms. I cannot stop myself from becoming overwhelmed
when I hear his voice. Email/AIM have no true "voice" to
them...I can much better handle that. BUT, alas, no email.
He doesn't come onto AIM. He says that he is having
computer problems. That may be so. I don't know. I do know
that it leaves me with quite the problem though...Hmmm,
don't call, send email...but now that the computer isn't
our form of communication, of course I want to pick up the
phone and call him! It fucking sucks! I went out on
Friday night and my girlfriend's know what is going
on...they know that I love him and long to talk to
him...and I was drinking...and I just wanted to call him ~
they took my cell phone away so that I couldn't. LOL. It
was pretty funny though..."Come on, give me the
phone..." "Nope!" But I did end up talking to him Friday
night...he called my house around 11:00 (my heart beats
wildly)...So, I called him back to see what was up ~ he
says "I forgot..." I say "Please, please call me
tomorrow..." He says "Sure." He doesn't call. Do I
seriously believe that he loves me?? No. Do I seriously
believe that he tells me what I want to hear at the time??
Yes. Can I leave him alone?? No. I am not strong enough
to just forget about him. I am imagining that it is like a
crack addiction. Except there isn't any 12 step program
that I can attend. So, anyway, I will sit here and
continue to race to my computer to check my mail. I will
continue to leave my AIM up and running just waiting for
him to come on...and I will of course wait by the phone,
just in case he NEEDS to talk to me too.