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2002-01-30 06:26:07 (UTC)

late night spaz

rationalizing is my favorite thing to do ive come to that
i just want to cry.
thats it.
just sit here and cry for the rest of the night
but i cant even fucking do that and nothing is making sense
right now
periods are such horrible things sometimes.
they make me crazier.
i also am thinking right now
that there are very few people in the world that will
actually ever love you for who you really are.
you know?
there is always give and take with people
and then with a few there isnt
theres not give and theres not take
it just works out
but it never even lasts like tht you know?
theres always SOMETHING
and it makes me mad
and i just dont get it.

and im tired of people telling me that things are good for
me when they dont fucking feel so good you know

it was good. it is good. it will be good.


what about now.
im sorry but what the fuck about right now
because right now im not good
for what the fuck ever reason
but that never really seems to fucking matter you know
its for the benefit of the future
but then things change and then its just another fucking
and im just over it
im just real fucking done with it and i want to drink i
want to be drunk and not think
because thinking makes me crazy and only make sense to
and im talking about so many different times in my life
right now its not even good because everyone going to think
im talking about them when im probably not even doing that
and then im the huge bitch again
and im tired ofbeing a fucking bitch man
i love you
you kow?
that doesnt matter. nope. not at all.
and sometimes
those words
are all i fucking have to offer
all i can offer

wait. wait wait.

imfucking sick of waiting

most times i just sit back and laugh at the fucking world
laugh at it all becuase its just so fucking stupid and
fucked up and everyone sucks and i hate it
and you know
the only thing that keeps me sane is laughing at it all and
smiling because if i did anything else it would just make
it all so much worse
and i keep trying to find ways to keep myself entertained.
keep the bordome of it all from finding me
im perpetually bored.
drugs are entertaining.
sex is too.
drama, yup that.

why isnt someone here to tell me things are going to be
why am i always the one telling myself that
why am i never allowed to freak out

whys my mother always drunk
and why doesnt my dad sing me to sleep anymore
whys donie forgetting everything
and why are both of my grandmas dead.

why are memories the only things were really left with
and what happens
when you lose those too.