The Shadow of Myself
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2002-01-30 06:04:52 (UTC)

a long road..

I get caught up so easily.. in everything. I can laugh
through tears. I can smile when I'm scared. I can lose
myself in a moment. I can live in a song. I get stressed
too easy.. and forget it too fast. I always get lost in
the wrong things and think I've found the right answers.
But in all actuality I don't know anything. I don't know
what to do.. I can't understand everything... even thought
I want to. I always come to conclusions too fast. I want
things at the wrong time.

It takes a long time.. and a lot of experience to change
me. It happens little by little.. it's never a sudden
realization. I can just gradually see over time... how
little parts of me are chizzeled away.. and formed in
another way. I don't even notice it happening until it's
closer to being finished.. and then I notice something
different. I will see in a different way.. or notice
something I always did and think about it in the opposite
was as before. I just hate how it's all happening now.
It's so overwhelming.. I don't even know whats going on. I
feel like I'm on this wild road. Like.. some of the road
is the most fun to be on.. and then I get to another part
and it's just horrible and scary and I don't know which way
to go. Then I'll see a sign that makes me think sometime a
little way away.. I'll be fine. I just have to keep

Ok.. so I know that one of the hardest things I'm going to
learn is that I CANNOT and WILL NOT be able to understand
everything. I just can't seem to let go of that. I always
try so hard to know why and that's just stupid. I know I'm
causing myself so much crap by doing it.. but hmm.. I'm not
stopping. How dumb is that?

Anyway.. I'm really frustrated with myself. I feel like I
have so much on my shoulders. The dumbest part is.. I
don't need to be carrying any of it.. b/c God is there.
He's just waiting for me to let go.. and I'm still fighting
for myself.. b/c I'm a dork. Wow.. I've got a lot to learn.