This is me and how my life goes.
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2001-04-22 09:25:21 (UTC)

One of those days

Dear Journal,
Today was one of those days. One of those good days that
even though something bad happens the day is already going
so well it doesn't even bother you. I didn't Think about
David until me and Josh got to talking and I started
crying. He held me, just like I wanted. It felt so good to
just be in his arms, just know that he was there. My
therapist gave me this stuffed Lion. I told her how hard it
was for me to fall asleep at night unless someone was
spending the night with me and she gave me a lion. He's
really cute and she told me that he was who was going to
sleep with me everynight until I could make it on my own. I
know it sounds childish, I thought she was kidding but she
wasn't. She even made me give him a name, Buddy. Buddy the
bedtime Lion. LoL Oh my gosh I sound like a child. Get
this, the first night I slept with him it worked. I still
had a bad dream but not soo bad and I was able to get back
to sleep. I fell asleep really quickly. I didn't think
anything could help me sleep anymore. As much as I want to
be with Josh and as good as he makes me feel about myselt,
and it's feels great not to be lonely, I just don't think
i'm ready. I mean... It's too embarrasing to put on paper
but I just don't think i'm ready yet. I really really love
him and I really want to be with him but... I can't do it.
I don't know what i'm going to tell him. I mean I do want
to be with him but I don't want to go very far with him. Is
that ok? Is it ok for us to just be together? That's not
fair to him and I can't do that to him... Anyway today was
pretty good, I smiled all day at work and it wasn't even a
fake smile I was really happy. And then when I got home
Josh was on the phone and we talked forever and then me him
and Amanda went to the movies and that was really cool. It
was fun to get away and think about something else. Then me
and Josh went to the park and I told him more about what
happened with DAvid and I started crying like a little
baby. I thought he would be upset with me for being a baby,
but he wasn't, he just held me. I'll write more tomorrow.
I'm so tired, my eyes are barely open. Me and Buddy the
bedtime Lion are going to go to sleep now.