Blue Castle reverie

My Saga
2002-01-30 02:40:05 (UTC)

Attraction

I am an incredibly messed up person. The way I am in any
relationship that's anything other than your basic
friendship just doesn't make sense. I can be totally crazy
about someone, or very attracted to them, or just really
like them, and, in retrospect, I'll feel this way until I
have confirmation that they like me and find me attractive;
then it's almost like I don't need them anymore. It's a
little different in each circumstance, but once someone has
told me they like me, or we physicalize things, or
whatever, I totally stop finding them attractive...
sometimes they even seem repulsive (there are certain
colognes, or laundry detergents, or other scents that I
can't stand, that almost make me physically ill, and they
all are from people who I have messed around with, and then
totally dropped). I am rather histrioic and narcissistic,
and it's almost like I am attracted to other people only in
their capacity to validate what I think about myself. And
if I'm right, and that's what's going on, there's something
really messed up about it. It's all about the thrill of
the chase, and once you have that victory, it's flat, and
it's time to move on to the next challenge. I always want
what I can't have, and once I have it, it's lost all it's
lustre. I have never had a long term relationship, and I
think this is why. Normal people don't operate this
way.