Squeeb's world
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2002-01-30 02:30:18 (UTC)

Holy hormonal

Have I mentioned how much I loathe my period? I'm sitting
here all in tears because I am sick and tired of being the
butt of other peoples' jokes. I have extremely low
self-esteem as is and when people that I truly care about
make fun of me, it really really hurts. I'm not that slow of
a reader. Actually, I'm pretty fast. I just haven't had the
time to sit and focus on a book to read it fast, so yes, it
took me 2 weeks to read Harry Potter. Sue me. I was reading
in half hour spurts and not every day either! And ok, so I
haven't had sex. A lot of people haven't. It's not just me.
I'm bloody well saving myself for someone special. And I've
never bowed down to peer pressure before but the state I'm
in right now.... God, it's him!! I don't know how I can
resist. And at the same time, I'm scared to death of him
seeing me and seeing that I've gained weight since he last
saw me. I mean I've lost some of what I've gained but I'm
still more than when he last saw me. And yeah so I don't
have a positive body image. I think I'm short, fat and ugly
and God, I can't have him thinking that. I'd rather die.
He'd never want to be with me. And I'm horrible-looking
naked. I can't even look at myself in the mirror because of
the ugly little pot belly and fat little legs... I just want
someone (other than my parents) to think I'm beautiful,
smart and actually worth something in this life. I need to
find a guy that actually thinks that. I did a personality
test about my "Love Story" type and it turns out I'm guilty
of "Loving too much". I guess you can say that's true. Lord
knows I love Scott too much. Yeah and so I come online and
it says he signed on but then his thing shows him as being
offline so did he just go off or is he on invisible, coming
onto other girls? God, I'd make such a bad girlfriend. So
jealous and he's not even mine. The world would be so much
better off without me, sometimes I swear. He wouldn't give a
shit, that's for sure. I'm just a source of amusement for
him. He frickin finds Kim more attractive and appealing than
me and he's never even SEEN her- that says so much. God, I'm
pathetic! Going to cry myself to sleep now.

Current mood: miserable and crampy
Current music: "Misery"- The Moffatts

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