Visions Of Life
2002-01-30 01:04:05 (UTC)

I Can See The Light And Its Rainbow... Yeeeaaaaahhh


I couldnt think of a, um.. yeah. I am feeling so
so so much better. And I am quite sober so we cant blaim my
happiness on smokable or drinkable comodities. Its just
crazy how one person can make me so happy and weak in the
knees and just downright optimistic.

Ive been doing some thinking... (And the crowd gasps)
My mind wont stop racing so of course i have come up with
some interesting ideas and thoughts. Can all this thinking
be healthy.. I think so.

First Off-

I think positive attention makes me nervous. I am more
comfortable being critisized and put down and spit on and
trampled to a bloody pulp then I am with positive attention
and comments(of course, this does not apply to my boyfriend
because I like his positive attention. It makes me smile)
I have been exposed to more negative attention then positive
and for some reason it feels more comfortable. I am a
creature of habit in a way.. Perhaps positive attention
makes me doubt myself and my thoughts because i think I am a
horrible selfish ugly girl and if I am told something else,
it makes me think and makes me doubt and I hate doubting
what I think. Even the way I dress saves me from positive
attention. When i am not dressing to disappear in the
shadows, I dress in ways that would make people think "what
a freak" instead of "what a goddess". I wonder what would
happen if I dressed differently and actually entered the
light. I think I might run and cry but who knows. As long as
I have someone to hold my hand I think I can work through
this weird habit.


I have been thinking about school. I want to go to massage
therapy school but I will need to decide if now is the time
for that. Maybe i should take some career enhancing classes
then do what I want. I just dont know.


I can envision my future and it is a happy one. I cant see
what career I have but everything else is just so
picturesque and it gives me hope.


I have shamed my family in the last few years. They had such
high hopes and I couldnt even reach one of the goals they
had set for me. I was kicked out of college, I dropped out
twice, I was in a psych ward for a few days(taken by force
and held by some over enthusiastic quack with a
degree..grrr), and I choose not to live by the strict rules
and morals they try to impose on me. Althought it bothers me
that I am such a disgrace to my family and although it
pisses me off that no one in my family can be proud of the
things i have accomplished(like getting s poem published), I
now say, Fuck it. I will prove them wrong in the end. I will
be more successful then they ever were and they will realize
the error in their ways. I dont fully regret my choices.
They have made me stronger and a better person and if things
had been different, I might not have ended up with the guy i
love and I just cant imagine how my life would be without

~Okay.. I Think Thats It For My Thinking For Now.. Time To
Play, Kill The Braincells!