Guava

kiss me, kill me, hold me, thrill me
2002-01-30 00:55:58 (UTC)

Life Sucks!

Ok. The problem is I have a 2-3 page paper due on Thursday
that I have yet to start. That means I have tonight,
tomorrow and possibly Thursday morning if I skip a class.

I wish I had started this paper so long ago when I first
found out about it. This is a pre-paper for our 10 page
paper that we have to turn in later.

I hate 10 page papers because I don't do well on them. I
was never really taught to write long papers in high school.
I bet the longest one we wrote was perhaps 3-5 pages long,
if that. I'm not knocking on the school I went to, but I
did find it hard when I had to write a big paper last year.

Also I am in a confusing spot. My boyfriend John and I used
to talk a lot, but these past two weeks we've both been
doing other things. He's been out with friends at home
while I'm stuck at school.

I guess the confusing thing is that I'm becoming better
friends with his friend Dave. That in itself wasn't wierd
until I found out that he's only a few months older than me.
recently we have been talking a lot. And it's been about
serious stuff, not just hi how are you kinds of things. He
shared his frustrations about some stuff with me and I
shared all the crap that's going wrong in my life with him.

The direction that things are going confuses me. Dave and I
were talking about the future yesterday and relationships.
It ended up with something about wither or not John and I
would last for life. I have no clue!

I'm in my second relationship and for John it's his first.
I fear that maybe we haven't experienced enough
relationship wise. There are people who marry the first
person that they ever date and it lasts forever, but what
about the people who don't last? What about the people who
get divorced?

I don't that would happen to us, but there are times I
wonder if I'm really with the right person. More often
though I wonder how I'll know I'm with the right person. I
can look back on the past and say the other guy I dated was
so wrong for me, but that's because I had time to look back
and reflect the way things went.

Right now I want to crawl under the covers and not come out
until summer. I am going through the second hardest part of
my life and that is all the one year anniversaries of the
three deaths I went through last year. It's not quite as
hard this year, but I think it will get harder.

The anniversary that I'm worried about is my Great Aunt's
death. It still is not real to me or my Mother. I don't
know why after all this time things have not come to a
close, but I wish they would.

I understand that she has passed on and I won't see her
again until I get to Heaven. I just don't feel like she's
really gone. There are so many things I wish she could see
with me. looking down from above is good and I thank her so
much for that because I can feel her. I just want some real
closure. I want to fully realize in the deep dark depths of
my mind that she is gone. To do that I think I need to cry
some more or at least do something about it. How do you let
someone go so long after the fact? What can I do to feel
whole again. There is something missing where she was like
a part of me left with her and the hole never closed over.

I've come to accept the deaths of my grand mothers, but not
her. I walk around feeling like a part of me is suspended
in air or something. What can I do?

Typing things out like this helps some, but not enough. It
doesn't write my paper or heal my heart.

I'm going to try to write something and make more sense of life.