onlyanegg

onlyanegg
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2001-04-22 05:46:17 (UTC)

A Start


In addition to being in what has turned out to be my
first really stable Poly relationship, I have also begun
exploring a bdsm relationship with her. Me being the
bottom. Even 6 months ago if you had asked me if I had any
interest in such my answer would have been an
empathetic "NO" so it has been quite suprising, a)
that I have begun this exploration, and b) to my own sense
of self, how much I enjoy the experiences and places I have
gone so far.
The vulnerability, the dropping of my will, the intense
and rather erotic pain games for brief periods has given me
a strange strength or rather a connection with a strength I
had forgotten existed. I'm still trying to figure out what
it all means.
A friend of mine recently sent me the following on the
path of submission in response to my statement that I was
attempting to figure out what my exploration ment to me.
Originally written with "she" I have replaced it with "he"
to make it more personal to my own understanding.

He who goes where others lead, willingly.
He who goes deeply, fearlessly, without knowing the way.
He who trusts utterly.
He who loves defenselessly.
He who gives completely.
He who takes gratefully.

Each of those statements represents some aspect of my
core personality, but also ones that for one reason or
another I had begun to repress in my life because of old
hurts, relationship scars, ridicule, or lack of support.
For so much of the last 7 or more of my life I have felt
that I needed to be in tight control of many parts of
myself. Primarily those parts that naturally trusts, that
enjoys being defenseless, that gives of himself, that
prefers to follow. Anytime I manifested any of those
aspects without control a part of me died as someone took
more from me than I was able or willing to give, and that
without consent.
Inside of a scene, within clear limits, I can drop my
will. Be completly vulnerable, be lead, be completly open
and trust my partner having no defenses, give complelty of
myself and still feel completly and totally safe, loved and
beautiful.
As I said above, the scene games with my top has put me
back in touch with a deep inner strength that I did not
know I had. There is something so incredibly freeing about
dropping ones will, trusting compelty, being that
vulnerable, yet knowing that you are safe. I'm not really
sure I can describe the feeling, the power I feel while
being hurt because *I* want it to happen and continue. I'm
going to try to examine that strength in my journals and in
discussion with my top, as well as the friend who started
me thinking more deeply about it all.

Only An Egg


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