poeticgem

My sometimes coherent thoughts
2002-01-29 21:54:15 (UTC)

Karma biting me in the ass!

Another fight this morning with Chantelle ... is this what
life is going to be like from now on? Is this how my mom
felt when I was growing up? Is this whole mother/daughter
situation KARMA in the most realist sense or what?

I HATE fighting with her! I hate the bitch I become when
she pushes my buttons ... and pushes my buttons she does!
As far to the extreme as possible!

How is possible to love someone so much while at the same
time raging at them like an out of control, monsterous
lunatic? Talk about warring emotions!

This morning she started it by asking if she could earn the
privilege of going to a concert with her friend Madison -
who's mother has supposedly already bought an extra ticket
for Chantelle, but has not bothered to talk to me about
this fact! Really, if this is the case, what sort of
mother would do such a thing? Actually, Madison has become
more and more a source of contention between Chantelle and
me.

I don't particularly care for the changes I've seen taking
place in Chantelle since this girl has become her closest
buddy in the whole world!

Madison's mother allows her (Madison) to do things that I
just don't agree with ... letting her go to concerts,
sometimes on weekdays! so then she gets to stay home the
next day from school ... she let's Madison wear outfits
that I certainly would never allow Chantelle to wear (ie -
TIGHT, LOW, LOW rise pants with short tops showing her
belly!) ... just yesterday Chantelle informed that Madison
got RED STREAKS in her hair! What is up with all of this!
And Madison has a father who is an attorney ... which means
$$$$ ... of course, Madison's mother and father are
divorced, but this is really besides the point. Madison
gets to do things and go places that Chantelle doesn't ...
one because I AM WAY TO STRICT AND OVERPROTECTIVE and two
because I NEVER HAVE ANY MONEY!!!

So ... back to the concert issue ... I already allowed
Chantelle go with Madison and her mother to the House of
Blues to see Alien Ant Farm in December - that was her
FIRST concert! It was a big deal for me to let her go ...
but I wanted her to have a good time and even though she
had been in Arizona the entire week and the concert was on
the Saturday she came back (just before Christmas), I knew
it was something she really wanted to do, so I gave in and
let her go! Now all of sudden, CONCERTS have become an
obsession, but it's not a curiosity factor anymore -
checking out the dates when certain bands will be in town -
now she thinks she should be allowed to go to at least one
concert a month! I certainly don't agree with this and I
certainly will not allow her to go to a concert in the
middle of the week when there is school the next day!

For God's sake, she is only 11 years old! If this is the
way things are now, what's going to happen when she turns
13, 14, 15, 16? Last night the argument started over the
conversation of BOYS ... and this morning CONCERTS! And
it's not just the subject matter, but her ATTITUDE! Oh,
the way she talks to me! It just cuts me to the core! And
really, really PUSHES MY BUTTONS! Certainly, allowing her
to speak to me the way she does is not something to be
debated!

It scares me ... these altercations we have ... they are so
heated and with my temper ... my lack of control over my
anger more often than not ... the fights seem to be getting
more and more ugly! This morning I just totally lost it
what with the way she was talking to me ... it was awful!
I attempted to slap her face but instead got her upper
arm ... she backed as far away from me as she possibly
could, but the shower door was behind her ... it hurt me to
see the tears start to roll down her cheeks ... to see the
look of anger and emotional turmoil in her eyes ... but,
when things get like that, I really feel at such a loss, a
huge tremendous loss! I literally feel as if I'm on fire
and the anger totally consumes me!

The worst part of it all is I try so hard to show her love,
I try so very hard, but it never seems enough ... no matter
what I do! I don't want to fight with her! It brings back
so many bad memories of when I used to fight with my own
mom! Now the shoe is literally on the other foot ... and
it's weird sometimes because I know (kind of) where she's
coming from (been there done that sort of thing) and now I
know where my mom was coming from ... it's a strange sort
of feeling and I truly feel as if KARMA is just biting me
in the ass because if this is how I made my mom feel, then
deep down inside, part of me feels that I deserve to be
going through this with my own daughter! Does that make
any sense?

Alright ... enough venting for now ... gotta leave work
early today (yea, I'm actually writing this here at work!)
to go pick up my beloved daughter ... source of all my
love, pain and strife ...

ciao for now ...




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