fucked up
2002-01-29 20:09:19 (UTC)


Damn i havn't written in here for quit a while. Well i
really love matt. He is great. He makes me laugh all the
time, no matter what. Actually it has only gotten on my
nerves once. I asked him to make me get a job. And he
said"Get a job" that makes me mad. i was being serious
but he couldn't be. i understand though. i do it too. hes
really great. I told him that i love the way that he
actually talks. He said "yea the whole not a mute thing
is pretty cool" SMART ASS! LOL. In a way its true
though. He isn't being a mute about his emotions like a
lot of people are. Sunday night was just plain not good.
Actually Saturday night hilary got mad at Eliot (her
boyfriend) Then they somewhat broke up because he hurt her
alot. The next day they were talking to each other. Then
they totally broke up. That night She was verry
suicidal. Matt and i had to help her. She was having a
nervous break down basicly. I love her to death. We
bonded very well in Shoal Creek.I am really glad we got to
know each other again outside of shoal. Matt and i were
both about to tie her up and take her to shoal creek
ourselves. Her mom is a bitch who doesn't understand
anything. I know it seems mean to say it but she really
didn't understand that hillary needed help. that was one
of the worse parts about it. It was really scary that her
mom just sayd that she just needed to calm down. I am so
sorry that hillary has to go through life with her mental
illness. I know that i bitch about mine. Its hard to
live with it. But i do know that it isn't anything
compared to others. Even to people who don't have any
illness. Its just hard for me to want to live. I really
love all of my friends, they are wonderfull. But i just
don't have any will to live for another day. I'm not
exactly suicidal. i don't want to kill myself. I just
want to die. That may seem like im saying i don't like
vanilla ice cream, i just like vanilla. Its hard to
explain. i do want to die. i don't want to live. but at
this moment it isn't that important to me.
Rose read the entry where i compare my mental health to
being traped on a deserted island. I told her that that
was how i really felt. She said "well what if i asked you
to trust me and try it. That i've been there and that it
was wonderfull."(not in those exact words) i thought
about it. if I was really in that possition i would do it
without a second thought. i trust her and love her. i
would do anything for her. Except what hurts me mentally.
If i was physically doing something new that could
physically hurt me i wouldn't care. thats an adventure.
but when it comes to my mental pain i can't do it. I
can't handle mental pain. it just kills me inside. I
hate mental pain. why cant it be just like physicall
pain? Your body only takes so much mental pain before it
decides to shut off its censores. But you brain doesn't
work that way with mental pain. It just keeps hurting.
It hurts more than any physicall pain ever could.i used to
consider myself strong. Then mental pain came into the
picture. I'm not strong im weak. im scared shitless that
i will feel mental pain. i know that there is no way to
not have mental pain. Alot of things hurt. I'm not
talking about having a friend call you a bitch and stab
you in the back. I'm talking about having to fight with
your friend for her to let you in the room with her. just
to make sure that she is at least somewhat ok and to let
her know your there. I'm talking about trying to be there
for a friend who just wants to die and want anyone to be
there for her. I'm talking about knowing that you cuase
mental pain just by saying whats on your mind. Thats the
fucked up pain im talking about. While typing what i
was "talking about" when i say mental pain i realized that
i put all of my friends through mental pain. I do it all
the time. just by talking. just by writing in my
jernal. That is a terible kind of pain. Knowing that you
cant reach out to anyone because you will hurt them. I am
not afraid to become friends with others out of fear of
being hurt. i'm scared to hurt them.
I'm sorry. I forgett at times that im not the person in
the world and that my life isn't that bad. One of my moms
friends just called. his dad is going to die. in a few
Matt just came over for lunch. WHat to do What to do. He
talked to me. asked me what was wrong. i told him i was
tired. thats my excuse for everything. it works too.
except like a dumb ass i yawned and sayd that i wasn't
even tired. I had forgotten that that was what i used as
my excuse. i do not know what is wrong. i'm just
not.....ok. I told him not to worry about me, that i
would snap out of it in about an hour and a half. he said
that that was optimistic. it isn't. its the fucked up
truth. i have no choice over it. i will not remember
what i am feeling right now in an hour. I might not in
ten minutes even. unless i spend my time trying to figure
out whats wrong. wich i am not going to do. i think that
i will start on dj's information for A site
that is still in progress. Damn raves. I love them.
there wonderfull. They make you forgett about
everything. you just go, dance, and have fun. Sometimes
do drugs. That isn't all that raves are now though. they
used to be i'll agree. but now there just a place to go
to see people have a good time and have a good time
yourself. you forgett about all the problems you have.
For hours you forgett that you have problems. Its great.
i wish that thier was a way to do that whenever you
wanted. well im done in here. i am going to go and do
something els and forgett that anything was ever the