little mind farts...
those damn stiff pants!!! :0)
lately i have been feeling funny as you all can tell
from my last few entries. i don't know i guess that this
just goes along withthe teenage bullshit. i'll get over it
i know it will because even though seem shity now the sun
will rise the next day.
i have gotten my life outside of david. i used to sit
at home and wait for him to call me on friday and saturday
nights but now i make my own plans. it feels good. i
haven't talked to him in like 2 weeks and i miss him. it's
weird because every time i am feeling fine he seems to know
and he'll call but whenever the opposite occurs he won't
call at all. i have been trying to send out good vibes
hopefully he feels them and will call me tonight. i called
him twice during these last two weeks but no answer. i
don't know everything happens for a raeson i just hate to
think that maybe a might a lose a friendship...i am
probably jumping the gun.
it's amazing what you can find out by simply watching
people. i mean i am a very outgoing talkive person but at
the same time i will sit there and watch people and how
they react...how they conver so much bullshit with these
facades. i am very intutive. i can just rad people for the
most part. sometimes however it take a little to come to me
but i am trusting my gut lately.
i am sitting in french class and i have tuned out
everyone and everything withmy headphones, a.k.a.my escape.
when i want to leave the world behind and just put myself
somewhere else i just press "play". it's funny because i
have a cut out from a magazine that says, "to stop the
world, just press play." god, is that true. music is my
i have been thinking alot about what motivates people to
do what they do. i asked around and someone told me, "there
is no definite reason...people do things because they want
to." i am sorry but i can't believe that. it's too simple.
there has to be some underlying motive behind almost
everything single thing we do. sometimes however, we might
not recongize that motiv until much later after giving it
some thought or maybe even we don't see that motive because
we are too afraid to admit what we really feel. the guy
that said that to me is someone whom i share 3 years of
attraction with. after declaring his statement, he said to
me,"well then, what's your reason for talking to me right
now? you don't really have one right...you're
converstating." i agreed but after more thought i realized
that my reasoning for talking to him was because i wanted
to see if there was ever a chance for us to hook up. i was
hoping to find this answer in either his eyes or for us to
directly talk about it. neither happened by the way... :0)
i ws wasn't going to admit that, i was just going to agree
because there is always that degree of rejection. you know?
anywayz, this brings me to my next point. i was watching
the movie powder (one of new favorites by the way), and
powder said that it was possible to talk to someone with
100% honesty. he said that it is possible to talk to
someone without the sarcasms and cynicism all those things
that help us either a.) mask the truth or b.) help us
commuincate the truth without really saying it. i agree
with that statement but it depends on the humans having the
converstaion. for one the people must be able to speak
freely. They must think that their opinion is vauble enough
and also they must be mature enough to handle the truth.
alot of people can't handle the truth.
i was thinking, i don't belong to anyone group at
school. i talk to everyone. i think that it is sad when you
subject yourself to staying inside one little clique. you
miss out on the oppurnity to meet new people and the
oppurnity to expand your mind. it allows you to open your
mind to more thingsand different ways of thinking. then
again i think that it depends on your mindset.
i look at the people around me and i wonder where they
are gonna be tin 2 years, 5 years, 10 years.it's extremely
intersting to think about. then i think about myself, in
two years, hell one year will i still be a virgin? next
year will i be opening up my exceptance to u of i in
champaing-urbana? and if i do...what will happen then? what
friends will i make? will i meet my soul hell have i
already met him? sometimes i think that i think too much.
you know what irks me? itmakesmemade how we have these
weight trends! a decade ago it was all about being waif.
waif was considered beautiful...then it was being strong
and muscular. if you weren't strong and muscular you
weren't beautiful. now big and beautiful is coming back.
what's fuuny is that these "new beauties" complain about
being held up to standards of beauty that they could never
become. it's all bullshit. they are now creating a standard
that some people can't live up to. why can't everyone's
body be beautiful? why can't naturally slender people like
myself be just as beautiful as naturally big or naturally
muscular people? why do we keep trying to define beauty?i
suspose that it's just humanity but still, in a uptopain
society why can't everyone just shut the fuck up trying to
label themselves and everyone around them and just co-
exist. i guess that as long as you have people you will
always have corruption. it's said but it's reality i guess.
p.s. i don't plan to ever grammatically correct my long ass
entries so hey you know...do your best. :0) ha ha love ya!