Christine

Emotional/Nervous Breakdown

1-29-02
1:15am

The urge to cut isnt limited to depression. The urge resides
in almost every emotion I posess, but lately, stress is what
lights the internal fire.

I have not cut and I will not cut, but I cannot rid myself
of the desire. I embarassed myself tonight at work because I
couldnt deal with extreme stress. I wanted to cut. I wanted
to hurt. But since I couldnt do that, I cried. I had an
emotional breakdown in front of the head nurse and one of
her CNA's. So now on top of being highly stressed, all of
Nealth care thinks i am an unstable, uncaring psycho. Rah!
At least they didnt hear me when i said this one resident
should just wander out into the alley and freeze to death,
that way he wouldnt bother me anymore.

What disturbs me is that I thought I was over the cutting
thing. And now that I am not depressed, the urges are even
worse. I do not know how to rid myself of this curse.

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1-29-02
7:00am

Here is a brief overview of my night..

3 seperate residents harassed me for 2 hours straight.. One
was screaming, one was hallucinating and the third was just
an confused idiot who somehow blamed me for her being sick..

I had a crazy wandering guy who kept wandering down to the
nursing home and into other peoples rooms. The head nurse
brought him back for the millionth time and said we needed
to watch him 24/7 because he was trying to wander into the
alley. I didnt have time to babysit and they dont pay me
enough to deal with that shit. So I have a nervous breakdown
and 10 minutes after I am calm, a resident falls. He was on
"death watch" and not expected to live through the night but
he was alive and kickin and stuck on the floor. He lifts
himself onto his knees. And falls again and hits his head
again. He gets on his knees again and decides to crawl
because he is too weak to stand. So he crawls to the bed. He
is trying to get up and falls a third time. I was behind him
on the ground and 200 pounds of his dead weight slams me
into the door. I still am in pain. So we get 2 more people
and get him in bed. He was still alive when I left. This
scitzophrenic and her mother start calling every 3 minutes
because the mother was hallucinating and both were trying to
"move out". Had to help two residents in wheelchairs plus
alot of other shit. I seriously have gone crazy. I am
calling in sick tonight...

I was so stressed that in the morning, I couldnt even put a
belt on right. I felt like an idiot.

I am looking for a job today. I wanted to work there for
another month but i cannot deal with this stress and the
lack of a somewhat intelligant manager doesnt help at all.
Its going to break my heart when I leave becaue I love the
residents so so so much.

I am so stressed right now. I have been highly stressed for
the past week but last night did me in. I feel like if one
more thing happens I am going to snap and I am going to
break down and 30 minutes of crying wont be enough to save
me when that happens..