My Chaotic Life
2002-01-29 06:27:59 (UTC)

Things are still going well

Things have definitly been going ok lately. I still get
deppressed a lot and I don't always have reasons. A
conversation with my boyfriend that doesn't go well leads
into feeling like I have no reason to be alive and that no
one cares about me but my friends help a lot. Its weird
cause I have so many amazing people in my life and I don't
even realize it most of the time. My friend Shaun suprised
me with tickets to see a band that I missed seeing when I
was in the hospital. He bought me a movie that I've always
loved but it impossible to find because it was made in
denmark. He is so great to me and I don't really know why.
When I was in the accident he came everyday. He even took
of work to see me. And I have never done anything great for
him. My friend Jon is the same way to. And I think mainly
why they are so great to me is because of my looks. Which
isn't fair. Why just because I am pretty should these guys
go out of their way for me. Its unfair because there are a
million better people in the world then me who might not
look as good. I always tell Shaun that I don't deserve any
of the stuff he does for me. And I know it hurts him to
listen to me talk about all the bad things about my
boyfriend. He probably doesn't even know my favorite movie,
let alone search for it so he could buy it for me. But yet
I am with James not Shaun. Why. I really can't answer that
without sounding superficial. Shaun isn't attractive. That
really isn't the whole reason..I'm not that shallow. He is
also a lot older, and he did cheat on me when we went out
last time. And when we went out last time I didn't care
about looks cause I found something about him attractive.
Maybe thats not the reason then but its still a factor that
I am ashamed to admit I thought about.

Ok the other big thing that has been bugging me is my ex
boyfriend Mike. Now Mike was the one. He was sweet to me,
he was gorgeous, he was my best friend, he was intellegent.
He was the perfect match for me. He made me better or at
least try to be better. But he also got me into some bad
habits that I can't get rid of. Drugs were a big factor in
our relationship and why it ended but he also got me into
my only major addiction. And even though he left my life I
have to struggle with the drug issues everyday. Well last I
heard of this guy who broke my heart and hurt me more then
anyone ever has, he was kicked out of school and sent to
maryland. Our mutial friend John was put in rehab. Well now
I guess he and John are both back. And though the thought
of Mike doesn't torment me every second anymore, him being
back is drving me crazy. I want to see him, would do
anything to see him. I want to tell him what he meant to me
and how much he hurt me. I want him to know what he did to
me. How I couldn't even think about dating anyone else for
over a year after we broke up. How I cried every night for
almost that long. Not that it would solve anything. I also
want him to see that I am happy, that I am doing great
without him. That I love someone else, and have new friends
and a new life. Maybe I shouldn't be driving myself crazy
about this but its been on my mind.

Anyways I'm still really confused about my future to. I'm
afraid I wouldn't ever be anything. I want to write and
affect people, and act and sing and change people's lives
and I'm worried its never going to happen. Thelonger I stay
where I am the easier it is to get used to it. To get used
to being nothing and giving up on dreams and I would rather
be dead then do that. I just hope that one day I will have
the strength to go for it. Well its getting late and I have
work tommarow so I should get some sleep. For the record me
and James have been togeather 5 months 5days!