out of reach
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2002-01-29 03:36:23 (UTC)

again i go unnoticed

i was sitting in lunch today just quietly eating my food
and i realized how completely unnoticed i am. no one
really bothers to say anything to me at my lunch table.
i'll speak up once in a while but i tend to get shot down
alot. mostly by one person in particular but we won't
mention names.

i feel bad for saying this because i'm afraid i'll offend
someone but its what i feel and i can't help my feelings.
lately i feel as if i have no friends. people use me to
pass the time with and try to be friends with me but i'm no
fun to them. its probably not true and i just feel this
way because i feel shitty lately but i don't know. i can't
seem to break this cycle of loneliness.

i've learned that people need people to feel emotionally
secure. and i have no one. i used to think that if u
loved urself and were secure with urself u wouldn't need
anybody else. but people NEED someone to care for them.
what's the purpose in being alive if no one cares? people
are secure with themselves when they know they've made a
difference to someone and someone thinks about them. i
used to feel that way. but now i feel useless. i'm in so
much pain and i can't do a thing about it until i find
someone who needs me. i'm usually not a dependent person
and i don't think i consider this being dependent. i don't
want someone to give me empty compliments. i want someone
to share a bit of themself with me, someone to help,
someone to make laugh, or just anything at all. i'm going
insane. maybe i should have a kid (j/k).

"this song and dance is a way of life for me"