Finding my Light
2002-01-29 01:48:41 (UTC)


Hi everyone. Sorry it's beed way too long since I last
wrote in this thing. Well just to let you all know I'm
fine. Nothing to really worry about. Well I might as well
get what's in my mind out now. This, I hope, will someday
reach my boyfriend so he can understand what to do in
certain situations nd maybe future boyfriends.
First never ever speak to me in a harsh or raised
tone. My last boyfriend did that to me all the time and
now I can't take it from anyone. If a guy raises his voice
to me or speaks to me in a harsh tone I become scared and
very nervous. I also begin to panis a little and want to
leave. I have a strong fear of men when they are angry.
When I'm around you don't just go about your business
without saying hi or bye to me. It hurts me when I know
you see me, but don't come to talk to me. I was brought up
not to go to the guy. If they really care about my
feelings then they will come to me. The only way that
could be changed is if I'm married to the guy. When my
boyfriend leaves after school and doesn't say bye I feel
very hurt because I automatically think that he is upset
with me even though deep down I know he's not.
When I cry I am very volnerable and need comfort. I
need to be held. Also you MUST let me cry. When I cry I
have to keep on crying until I start to feel better. It
pisses me off when people ask me not to cry when it's so
very clear that I have to! To everyone who knows me, when
I cry let me cry! Also I need you to tell me that's it's
okay to cry. Though I may say I hate crying (which in some
aspects I do) I know I need to cry sometimes.
This mainly is directed at my boyfriend, but when I am
upset at my boyfriend I hate it when he gives up. If I am
clearly upset with him he has to get it out of me. If I
say nothing and walk away, then go after me! I am not
thinking striaght when I am upset. Even though I may say
to get away or leave, you must stay.
You also should and not let me og until I tell you why
I am upset. If you hold on to me (like in a hug) and say
you're not going to let me go until I tell you my mind will
snap back to normal and I will know that you truely do care
and I will love you even more for if.
Lastly there is one more thing that has been buggin me
so-o much these past two weeks. I am a very affectionate
person. I am constintly giving friends hugs and kisses.
These past two weeks my boyfriend hasn't been very
affectionate to me. In the beginning we were always
kissing and hugging. Now his kisses has dropped down to
very little and they hardly make me feel the way I use to.
I even see myself flirting a little bit more with other
guys just to get the extra attention I need. I'm going to
stop that though.
He never calls me just to talk anymore either. I miss
just talking to him so-o much. Before we were going out he
would always call me and I loved it so much, but now it's
different. I know he loves me and I love him, but now I
feel like I am not that important to him even though I know
i am. I know these things are stupid, but they do mean
something to me. I just wish my boyfriend couldunderstand
that and maybe he would stop making these stupid mistakes.