Christine

Truly Escaping Reality

1-28=02
5:00pm

The closer I look at myself, the crazier I think I am.

I have developed some "weird" habits over the years, and
although some of these habits can be considered "coping
strategies", I still think I am crazy. The main habit I have
is escaping into a fantasy world. Now, fantasy is considered
a legitimate coping strategy, just like displacement and
denial, but something about fantasy makes me feel like I
should be locked in a padded room. Ive been in this fantasy
world for over 9 years and that just cant be healthy. I
think I need to grow up.

Maybe i should explain this fantasy realm of mine. First
off, I have been doing this since Elementary School but I
have noticed one thing. When I am happy, I cannot visualize
this fantasy world. I have no reason to escape there.

Okay, now I am about to reserve my bed in the psych ward but
all of this does have a point..

Here is an outline of my fantasy world. Dont laugh, I am
totally serious.

This all takes place in an indian village. As I have grown
older, the village has changed and become less primitive.
The only transportation is by horse or foot. The village is
guarded by warriors. No telephones, No electricity. There is
a lake with a waterfallin it as well as some caves(sounds
kind of like my lil astral world but it is quite different).
There are different tribes throughout the lands but they
rarely come in contact with my tribe. For the most part,
everyone is peaceful. There are always a few incidents of
violence but for the most part, all is calm.

That is a lil outline of the world I am about to discuss.

I, of course, am the main character in this world. My
position in this place has changed throughout the years, and
as I have grown older, I have thrown more tragic events into
the life of this indian girl who is named Amber.

I do not remember the \"plot\" of the early years of my
fantasy world. I remember reading this book of native
american myths and thats where the seed came from. Did some
event in my past cause me to escape into a world of fantasy?
I do not know. Not that I think back, this started around
the time I was in second grade. I know that the village
wasnt quite developed when I was younger. Either my
imagination was too immature or I didnt have a need to be
consumed with this world like I sometimes am now. The first
memory of the village i have is Amber and pinenut soup.
*laughs*

I cannot describe Amber physically. Right now she is 20 with
long hair and green eyes but i do not know any other
details. That seems weird but I am in this world, not just
looking upon it. She has aged without having birthdays
because as I have aged, she has aged, though for many years
she was stuck at age 16.

For awhile, Amber was a princess. She could communicate with
animals and the forest animals frequently helped her out. In
return for their assistance, Amber fed them and treated
their wounds.

(Just a warning: I am just going to describe the different
scenerios that have existed but not tell you how old i was
because I do not remember.)

Soon, other elements were added into the picture. Amber
became the only female warrior. There were other people
added into her life. One in particular. The best
friend/lover aspect of the picture. Of course, when I was
younger, there really was no loving involved *laughs*. It
was more about having a loving presence in her empty life.
Now that I think about all of this, I can see fairy tale
aspects in Ambers life. Poor boy and princess fall in love
and get married. Hmmmm...

As I started getting drawn into this world, I could go to
sleep thinking there was someone with me. Someone with me
who loved me and no matter what was happening or how scared
I was, I had someone there to love me and defend me. I could
sit in class and be in this world. Walking home from the bus
stop I would go into this world, even if it was to design
clothes for Amber to wear.

Sometime during the years, the tables turned and Amber was
no longer a princess but a poor girl whose parents had been
killed and whose only relative was her older brother. Of
course the love interest/best friend was the son of the
chief. Not sure why this changed. Probally the beginnings of
creating a tragic life for Amber to overcome.

All of these people have named but they are very silly and I
am too embarassed to use the proper names. This entry is
embarassing enough but i felt compelled to write it.

This world was also like a movie. If i grew bored with the
current situation, I could start over and either replay
everything the same way or change different aspects.

For a few months, Amber did have a baby. It was born out of
marriage and love, unlike a different baby inna different
scenerio.

Alot of other little things characterized these fantasy
scenerios but now I am going to bring you to the darker
side.. The most recent situations. I am not sure why I
create such horrible situations for Amber. Perhaps by having
Amber overcome great obstacles, I thought it would give me
hope.

I will just give an overview of some of the plot.

Amber is a child of 11. Her parents are killed brutally. A
scared Amber runs away, taking just her horse, some food and
some clothes. She lives off of the land. Sometimes she lives
with gypsies and learns magical healing and sometimes she
lives alone in a tent. That part doesnt have alot of detail.
She always winds up in this one village. Amber is a shy and
withdrawn teenager by this time. She meets a warrior there.
They become good friends. She trusts him. He emotionally
abuses her until she has no self esteem and believes that
she is just lucky that he talks to her. Amber is a virgin.
She does not want to have sex till she is in love but this
warrior does not like that. One night she comes home and he
is lurking in the shadows. He attacks her, knocks her
unconcious, ties her up and rapes her repeatedly as well as
beats the shit out of her. She could have fought back but
had been beaten down so much emotionally that she could not
fight. Somehow, she regains her courage, and while this
warrior is passed out from drinking, she manages to untie
herself. She is sneaking out when he wakes up. He stabs her
in the side but she manages to escape. She leaps on her
horse and they ride deep into the forest. She rides for
days. She is weak from hunger and in pain but yet she rides.
Finally, she stops and lays down in the forest. While she is
sleeping, a warrior comes and finds a person sleeping on the
ground. He thinks it is an enemy so he threatens the person.
Amber leaps up pulls a dagger on the warrior. He sees it is
a girl so he puts away his weapon. They start talking. It
turns out this warrior is her childhood best friend from her
old village. He takes her home and feeds her some dinner.
She stays there for the night. Her dreams are full of blood
and past memories and she wakes up screaming. Her friend
comforts her and she feels safe. Lots of other stuff happens
but its all irrevelant. She and her friend fall in love,
blah blah blah. The moral to my madness. No matter what
horrible things have happened in your past, happiness will
find you in the end.

When I am in the middle of a horrible depression, I venture
into this fantasy world. I can spend hours being someone
else and I almost forget about my problems. When i am happy,
I cant even visualize this world. I will go months without
thinking about it because I do not need an escape if I am
happy.

The fact that I play in a fantasy world disturbs me. The
fact that Ihave invisable friends in a way disturbs me. It
makes me wonder why I felt the need so long ago to start
this. Maybe because i grew up so incredibly lonely, I
envisioned a world where I was not alone, and now that I am
not alone, i do not need my fantasy realm. Now i am
rambling. I know this entry is a bit weird but I just cant
even describe all of this on a level where I can make you
all understand.

Well.. Padded room, here I come..

**One weird note.. I know a person who can tell things about people.
Things only you would know. She also can reveal your past lives.
Some dont believe in this but thats okay. She once did a reading on
me. One thing she mentioned was that in my past life, I was an
indian princess who communicated with animals. I have never revealed
my fantasy world until now and this was only a few years ago..
Hmmm...**

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