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Product of a Broken Home
2002-01-29 00:04:40 (UTC)

blah blah blah...

so, i had an odd day..but i'm not going into it...sarah
owes me big, i swear

anyway, i just really wanted to bitch right now, i'm not in
a good mood...why? i read chris' diary, it tends to bother
me severely...

because its chris, and right now he's about the only person
i really feel like socializing with, and theres no damn
point, because, well, both of us are being rather not nice..

chris, there are so many things i want to scream at him,
and i know i never will, i'm not sure if thats good or bad.
like how he periodicly just decides to pull away and not
talk to me, and other various people for that matter. and
how he's treating whats going on with my and aaron like
what went on with him and kate, yeah there are
simularities, but its not quite the same. and besides that,
i think its more that i'm sick of being compared to kate,
it bugs me. i see the kind of relationship chris and her
have, and i do not want that, with him, with anyone, but if
i'm so like her then its seems almost inevitable. but then
i'm already so disgusted with myself that i don't think it
could get much worse, so maybe being kate will be a step
up..

and i'm sick of chris pushing me away for awhile, and then
wanting me back in his life, i don't want him to abandon
me, and stop being my friend, but i don't want this half
friendship where we don't really talk and when we do its
not very pleasant half the time. i miss the conversations
we used to have, i miss the effect staring at him used to
have on me..and he effect it used to have on him, i miss
the closeness, i miss being his friend.

which brings me another point, him and who he considers
friends, it took me so long to get him to call me that, and
aaron comes along, and within weeks they're great buddies.
no, i don't begrudge either of them that, and at the moment
they seem to have had a bit of a falling out, but when it
was happening it hurt damnit. i felt so much like i was
being replaced, so much like i was going to lose him
completely as a friend, but then maybe i'm just paranoid
and clingy and need to get a life.

and there's more, but i know he reads this, and i'm not
sure i want him to see it, so i'll just shut up before i
end making him hate me, making myself hate me..

but the things i could say about him, he's the only person
that i can be around, and as much as i try to ignore it,
shut myself off, and be, empty, i can't, theres always
feelings, emotions..always. i suppose thats a good thing,
but it does bother me, because sometimes i don't want to
feel around him. it hurts too often..

like this -raven- thing..i wish him the best with it, i
really do. but i wish he hadn't told me when he did, i know
i asked, and i know he tried to not tell me, but i also
know he knew i was fairly depressed at the moment, and i
just really needed him to just be there, and just, i don't
know..be depressed with me? i guess thats as close as it
gets in words {hopefully someone will know what i mean} i
miss that..

ok, thats enough bitching for the day, i'm done, or at
least done saying stuff about chris, because, well, he
doesn't need to hear all of this, and yeah as much as there
was all of this crap that he did, theres a ton of great
stuff that he's done, and i'm pretty sure theres a lot of
shit that i've done that he's not very happy with, so i'm
sorry for being so bitchy, i'll stop.

jesykA