a freak with a heart
2002-01-28 16:58:09 (UTC)

help heaven sent

Dear Diary,

so much has changed over the last 5 days. i was lost in
my own mind, jeremy and i had a lot of problems that needed
to be worked out, my grandfather is dying, and i found

i guess i should tell you a stry about friday
night...it's a little odd and hard to believe but it's
true! ok well you know that i found out about my
grandfather on friday right, so friday day was hell to put
it simply. i talked to jeremy for like 20 mins friday but
really thats all. but after i found out abotu my
grandfather i wasn't even sad, sorry to say but i wasn't. i
wasn't because i had blocked off my emotions for the last 2
months. i had become this cold hearted empty soul, who was
mean to everyone. now that i look back i realize i had hurt
everyone i know....my mom, jeremy, my friends, and my
faimly. i hurt them all!!! i didn't even remember doing it.
i was just so cold and i didn't let anyone in...i blocked
all emotions from everyone even myself. but firday night
when i was sitting here typing out my diary things started
to click. i read over what i had typed and all of my past
entries. and i guess cause of the whole thing with my
grandfather it made me realize what i was doing and how bad
i had lsot controll over my life. and i just broke down and
cryed my crys out at the computer, i was crying for about
20mins when it happened. i felt this cold chill up my
spine. and all of a sudden i was freezing. then i got this
feeling that someone was looking down on me and had placed
there hands on my shoulders. and i don't know why but i
stopped crying. i felt safe and like everytihng was going
to be ok. i realized that i had to change my life and so i
did. but back to that feeling.....sunday my mom told me
that firday night she was out in the shop and just got so
cold...and had a chill run down her spine as well, ok now
this was about an hour after it happened to me. and she
told me that she told my dad about it and he told her that
it was my great grandfather and that he had been in the
house for abotu 3 years now....ok as you can guess my great
grandfather is dead!!! i never even got to meet him. now i
had known that there was a spirt or gost or whatever you
have it living in my house for about a year now but i could
never figure out who it was! and now i am sure my dad is
right....i don't know i guess i feel special now...cause i
know i have someone watching over me at all times and i now
know who it is. i can't begin to tell you how many times i
have felt that cold chill and the feeling of someone
watching over me and like someone was standing behind me.
and it scared me but now that i know who it is i jsut feel
safe....and whenever i get really upset i get that feeling
and i know it's my great grandfather placing his hands on
my shoulders to comfurt me. and everything is ok!i may not
have my boyfriend here to hold me and make me feel like
everything is ok, but i do have my great grandfather to
keep me safe.