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The Chronicles of a Career Loser
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2002-01-28 11:35:46 (UTC)

Just can't sleep

6:14 am

I had a few good days. I think I've got a job... at least
a second interview with a credit card company. I just
havn't been able to sleep. I miss my girlfirend. I guess
it's just something in me that's restless.

It was just a lousy day today. I'm hoping that things get
better. My friend E and I had an awkward moment. You see,
she is incredibly pretty, but not the classic bombshell...
more of a simple, natural pretty. kinda slim, really
smart, just overall attractive, and if I wasn't with the
person that I was with, I would probably be mad about her.
Don't get me wrong, I love my girlfriend, I just think that
E is great. Anyways, she has this boyfriend, G. G is from
the same home town, but they went to different schools. G
never calls, never e-mails, they saw eachother once over
Christmas, and she basically waited by the phone for him to
call. I made the mistake of referring to him as
a "knucklehead", which I really don't think is that bad a
reference, and she got slightly offended. I didn't mean
any harm by it, hell, I think that I'm a knucklehead
sometimes. I kinda just meant loveable goof when I said
it. I don't hate the guy, I just wish that he'd treat her
better. In his shoes, I wouldn't jeopardize what he has
with someone like her. He'll regret it later. Anyways,
she got offended and I appologized, I tried to explain
myself, and she said it was okay, but I really didn't sense
that it was. So I went off to the birthday party that I
had to go to, and when I got back I sent her an e-mail
telling her that I was really sorry and that I should
probably just disappear for a while, because I was so
genuinely ashamed of insulting G. I really did feel bad.
I admit that G isn't my favorite person, but if he wasn't a
good guy, E would probably have nothing to do with him.
Turns out that the e-mail just made things worse. She
calls me from school at about 11 am, I hadn't slept all
night, and says that I hurt her feelings by saying that I
was going to disappear. I felt really bad. Talk about
putting my foot in my mouth. We talked things over, and
she said that everything was okay, but I still don't sense
that it is. Maybe I'm just parranoid, but something feels
like it's broken and I just can't fix it. She's viamate
that I shouldn't appologize anymore, but I just feel like I
should.

I guess that why I consider myself a career loser. I don't
know why, but whenever there's something that I should just
let go, I don't. Whenever there's something that I should
just be open and honest about, I'm a closed book. Whenever
there's an opportunity to look better, I take it, even if
it makes me a liar. No one knows the truth. No one except
this diary.

I just want to start working again. Maybe that will give
some meaning to my life. Maybe that will help me get some
confidence, and I can start a career type job, and just
tell everyone that things the way that they were didn't
work and this was the path that I chose. I mean, with my
parents, when it comes down to it, the thing is money.
They will get over things as long as I'm making money.
That's the big one. If I can get by the disappointment
that will cause, I'll be fine and get back on track, put
this behind me and move on.

Maybe I'm getting too far ahead of myself. One day, one
moment at a time. I don't blame anyone for hating me,
hell, I hate myself. I hate living a lie and I hate
feeling bad that I'm not what anyone thinks that I am. I
hate that I don't have the guts to come clean and tell
everyone the truth. I hate being me, and wish that I could
change things, but I can't, so I'm going to have to work
with what I've got.

Maybe everything will be okay. Right now, all I have is
hope.

Still wide awake. Need sleep..... any suggestions?

Later.


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