Manifestoes From The Amusement Park
2002-01-28 11:24:32 (UTC)

A Better, Happier Me

I think I'm having an identity crisis.... I think I have
been for a while now.... I just think I'm better at
covering it up than most people. I have an exterior made of
steel. Nothing shows, not sickness, not anger, not sorrow,
not anything. And it's not good. It makes me not human.
For awhile I was confused as to why people thought of me
as this superhuman superhereo kind of person. Now I realize
that is all my fault. I've led people to believe that I am
above human somehow... maybe I use to think I was. Now
however I'd really like just to be human. Just to be a
normal 16 year old girl who is confused and lost and
average.... I don't think I've ever had that. I've always
been the search party for everyone else. Will anyone search
for me now? Or am I destined to continually lead people
back to themselves and still somehow evade my true self?
So... let's say that I do decide to venture out and look
for me... where the hell do I begin? Will I be at a party?
A gallery looking at art? A concert? Having a conversation
in a coffee shop? Looking up new age stuff at Barnes and
Noble? So many places to look and not enough time to
discern. I think I use to be me but that's been broken down
and picked apart so much that recovering that me is pretty
useless. So... I guess that means I have to let go of who
that was and forge out somebody entirely new. The better,
happier me. I just hope I don't have to burn out like a
dead star before someone thinks I'm beautiful.