Jake

Beginning to Become A Pattern

I wake up around 4 or 5 at night. I try and keep myself
occupied with something. It usually ends up being my guitar
or the computer. I talk with the people I see everyday in
this house and we have our normal relationships, I might
even take a ride to the store and talk with the guy behind
the cash register, we exchange jokes and laugh....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

Sometimes I'll have a friend over and we will play guitar
and go places and have fun. We'll talk about life and
various things. We will listen to REALLY loud music in the
car and sing to it and it's fun....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

At around 10 or 11 if Kevin isn't working we might hang
out. We take trips to Wal-Mart and fuck around in various
stores. Rent games, movies, and play them and watch them.
We talk about everything and it's always a good time....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

At around 2 or 3 in the morning you usually find me on my
computer talking to people on aim or typing like mad in
this fucking livejournal. I usually talk with Jen a lot
during this time when she gets out of work at 3am. This is
the time where I am totally alone in my room. Everyone in
my house goes to sleep by 11 so am left awake until 5 in
the morning ALL ALONE. It's not fun. It sucks SO MUCH. I am
so lonley. I try and keep myself busy....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

This is the time I fucking go insane and cry all night.
Throughout the day other people keep my attention and my
mind occupied so it isn't bad. But the night is bad. I am
beginning to hate the night as a matter of fact. The lonely
hours of the night can kiss my fucking ass. FUCK YOU.
Everynight it is the same thing. I pethetically sit in my
room and think and think and think and think about her, and
other things, but mostly her. I cry and it sucks. I take
various trips out to the kitchen to eat and drink if I am
thirsty....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

In the huge kitchen i feel so alone because it is so empty.
No one is awake this late.... I see the living room and the
kitchen and I remember all the memories we shared in those
rooms, her opening the fridge looking for cherries or egg
nog and hugging me and kissing me, movies laying on the
couch all night holding each other, her fingers in my hair,
her kisses, her love. I remember all of this EVERY NIGHT.
EVERY time I see any of this and i hold back my tears
because I DON'T WANT TO CRY ANYMORE. I go to the bathroom
and I see myself in the mirror. I remember her putting her
makeup on as I watched in that room and I look in the
shower and remember us taking showers together. I put my
face up to the mirror and stare into my green eyes. They
are red and tears are coming out of them. I try to get back
the old Jake that loved being alone with his thoughts and
himself, the old Jake who was happy and hopefull and full
of spirit and BIG dreams, I try and get back, not the Jake
that was happy with Allison, but the Jake that was almost
as happy when he was alone and didn't know a greater
happier with her existed....

But she is always on my mind. ALWAYS.

So instead of looking into those green eyes in the mirror
and being happy because I am me. I am sad because I am only
half of me.... does that make sense? It does to me. I
always end up shutting the light off, locking the door, and
opening that damn bathroom window. I sit and lean on the
windowsill, for sometimes an hour, staring into the woods
out back, and the night sky. I cry and cry and cry in that
window. I wish and wish and wish in that window. I tell
myself everything will be okay eventually. I try and come
to some conclusion to get past all this and keep on going
on with my life without this sadness and pain. But for now
the only conclusion I can come to is....

She is always on my mind. ALWAYS.