2002-01-28 09:59:35 (UTC)

Appreciation Realization

I yelled at him and hated him and gave him all my anger. I
made sure he knew I was pissed. He sat there with his sad
face and I kept yelling. I made sure he felt bad. I wanted
him to feel bad. I was pissed. It doesn't matter what I was
pissed about but it was meaningless to say the least. I
walked away from him in anger, just short of rage. I was so
pissed. As I walked away I thought to myself,

"He is my best friend. I love him. Life is to short to hold
anger towards the people you love."

As I walked away and remembered the sad look on his face I
thought to myself,

"What if this is the last time I see him. He could die
tomorrow. I could die tomorrow. What if this is our last
memory together."

I walked back into his room and even though i was still
REALLY mad at him I told him to forget about the whole
thing. I told him life is to short to be angry. Out of all
the beautiful memories we have shared why the fuck ruin it
with a meaningless fight and spit of anger. I told him I
was sorry. I made sure he knew we were cool again. He is my
best friend. I don't want to ever lose him. I don't want to
ever have our last memory a bad one. I don't want to ever
hold anger towards him ever. It isn't worth it. Anger is
never worth it.

Never ever hold anger towards the people you love. It's
okay to be mad at them about something, it's okay to yell
and scream at them and hate them. It's okay as long as it
is short lived. Never ever hold grudges. It is NOT worth
it. When you are REALLY, REALLY mad at someone and you know
you have hurt them, or that you are both pissed at each
other and you really hate them at the moment, ask yourself
one question as you are walking away,

"If he/she were to die tomorrow do you want this to be the
last memory you share?"

If the answer is no then that means they are a very
important person in your life. Go back and talk to them and
make everything right. Shake hands, exchange smiles, kiss,
do whatever it takes to make them know you are mad but you
still love them. Then it is okay to go.

If you are ever in the middle of a HUGE fight with your
boyfriend or girlfriend and they are screaming at you at
the top of thier lungs because they are REALLY pissed at
you, look them in the eyes and realize how much they mean
to you. Even if you absolutley feel like you HATE them
right now, realize what they mean to you. As they are
screaming at you in their spit of anger grab them and
interupt the phrase they are saying at the moment and kiss
them as hard as you can. They WILL kiss you back. ;)

Since she was taken away I think of these things. I never
did before. I appreciate the people that mean a lot to me
so much more now then I ever did. I have realized how
important it is to let the people you love know you love
them. Since she was taken away I have realized that no
anger or rage or anything is worth the pain of losing them.
When they are gone, they are gone. You cannot change it.
Life is short. Anyone can die at any moment. Don't ever
leave someone you love in a spit of anger. Mend it before
you are apart. If you are going to leave because you are SO
PISSED at them, before you go tell them what they mean to
you, tell them you love them, you just need to cool off.
Make it right before you go. Realize that you may NEVER see
them EVER again. Make your last memory together one that
you enjoy looking back on.

People don't realize these things. I didn't even realize
these things. I didn't until she was taken from me. That
experience opened my eyes so much. I appreciate things SO
MUCH MORE now. It's incredable. Life has its way of
teaching you things.

I see my parents fighting and screaming at each other, then
I see my dad slam the door shut and drive away in his truck
with the tires squeeling. I see the anger in my step moms
eyes and I just feel sad. I say to myself,

"What if my dad crashes and dies. This will be my step moms
last memory of him forever. Her last memory of the one man
in the world she loves the most will be a horrible one. She
will spend the rest of her life reminded of his angry face
and the way he slammed the door and made the tires sqeel in
a spit of rage."

Never end up like that. It's so sad seeing that happen. I
see it happen all the time. It makes me sad. Not even these
words will make a person realize what I am saying. Nothing
will make anyone realize what I am saying until they lose
someone they love. They will realize and learn to
appreciate people a hundred times more when they lose
someone they love. Until then they have no idea of the pain
that is involved.

The nights spent crying and screaming. The extreme
lonliness and emptiness emmitted from the pit of your
stomach and underneath your heart. Only that can make a
person realize what these words I am typing mean. I can't
teach someone this. No one can teach anyone this. Only life
can. You have to learn this the hard way. Only experience
can teach what I am saying.

Allison where are you tonight?
I love you and miss you