2002-01-28 09:53:36 (UTC)

I Scream

It's more then just sadness. It's more then just emptiness.
It's more then just lonliness. I drive down the road and i
scream and scream and scream and scream. There is a pain in
my chest where my heart is. It will not go away. No matter
how loud I scream or how long I scream I cannot get it out.
Tears run down my face and I grip the steering wheel so
tight my hands go numb, and I scream. I scream at the top
of my lungs. I can feel my throat being torn apart. I can
feel the vocal cords ripping. The pain won't go away. I
scream your name. I scream I love you. I scream for you to
come back. I scream so much my ears are ringing. I can feel
the viens in my neck popping out.

The road is a white blur. My eyes are half closed and what
little is left for vision is covered in bleeding tears. I
see my reflection in the rear view mirror. It is dark in
the car but I can see just enough to make out my gritting
clentched white teeth as I scream. I can see the viens in
my neck. They look like roots coming from my heart trying
to reach my head poking out threw my skin. I can see the
tears running down my face and soaking my coat. I can taste
them in my mouth.

I roll down the window and scream into the night. I scream
all the way home. I never stop. The pain will not leave my
chest. I want to take an axe at it. I want to scratch at it
and dig it out. I hate this pain. I can't take it anymore.
I swear to god there is a demon inside of me trying to
escape. I scream with my mouth wide open at the top of my
lungs for as long as my breath can carry it. I can feel the
emotion escaping my body and entering the dark snowy night.
It makes me feel better for a split second but it returns.
The pain always returns.

I am powerless. I have never felt this much anger and
sadness ever in my life. I am depressed and turning numb. I
slow the car down as i get closer to the house. I am not
done screaming yet. The pain is still there. It hurts so
much. I scream as loud as i can and as long as i can trying
to get it out before I get home. I can't scream inside my
house. I can't let anyone see me like this. I can't wake up
my mom at 3 in the morning. She would make me go see a
doctor. I don't need a doctor. I just need time.

I need her back. I would give up everything in my life for
just one more kiss. For just one more hug. For just one
more look at her. I would give up it all.

As I pull in my driveway I scream one after another after
another after another like I did all the way here. I never
stop. I can't. The pain is so great it is making me scream.
It is forcing the pain out of my body through my screams. I
have so much pain though, it will never go away.

I can feel my chest burning and my heart pumping. My throat
is on fire. But I keep screaming.

For the first time in my life I looked up to the sky and I
prayed. Seriously prayed. I asked if there is a god. And if
there is to show me a sign. I got no sign. I wished and
wished and wished that she would come back home. I opened
my arms looking towards the dusty grey and orange black
clouds, and I said,

"Look at me! Look at me scream and cry! I don't want this
pain anymore! I can't do this anymore! What more do you
want from me! I am at the lowest I will ever be in life!
Bring her back! Bring her back! PLEASE bring her back! I
wish god if you are real you will hear me tonight. Bring
her back! PLEASE! I am just a little man out of millions
and millions of people, she is just a little girl out of
millions of millions of people! Do us this one little favor
god if you are real! Make these 2 little people happy!
Bring her back! It is not much to ask! This is so wrong!

My mind raced forever and ever then suddenly everything
just stopped. My mind went blank. I stopped screaming and
crying and I just stood there beside my car just looking
into the horizon.

I felt surprisingly comfortable in my green pants and my
favorite dark blue Dickies jacket. My cold hands were
curled into the sleaves holding onto the worn chewed ends.
When I cry or am thinking a lot I chew the end of my left
sleave by my wrist. The frayed ends give it charactor. It
is my favorite coat in the world. I wear it all the time.
It makes me feel safe wearing it.

I just stood there looking at the snow. Looking at the
shadows on the lawn. The light from the front porch.
Listening to the wind howl. Feeling it against my face.
Smelling the night through my nose. I went from the climax
of screaming to a dead nothing. I liked this feeling. It
was comforting. A feeling of nothingness. With this
nothingness there is nothing. Meaning the pain was
temporarily gone. I liked it.

I just stood there staring into the beautiful nothing.
Thinking nothing. Feeling nothing. I let the beauty of
nature wrap its arms around me and I just stood there for a
really, really long time. I had no emotion. No thoughts. No
feelings. Nothing. I was just standing there, staring into
the beautiful nothing.....

Then I quietly whispered to myself,

"I am lost."